Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Grape Under Fridge Causes Family Tragedy, Brings Community Together

Earlier today when packing her son's lunch, Sue Pooh accidentally dropped a grape on the floor, which then, due to the spherical shape of the fruit, rolled beneath the fridge.  "My heart just stopped," said the distressed housewife.  "The first thing I thought when we got this fridge was that there wasn't enough space to fit my hand underneath it, but we took a gamble and well...we're paying for it now."

Choose wisely.

Despite the obviously too thin slot between the fridge and the floor, Sue dropped to her knees and began savagely ramming her knuckles into it, breaking several upon impact.  Her shrieks of panic alerted her husband, Roy, to pounce out of the shower and leap down eleven steps, butt naked.  Due to his moist feet, he could not stick his landing and ended up banging his head against the unforgiving tile floor, but he powered through it.  "It was almost like I was in another state of consciousness.  Like, my animal instincts just kicked in.  I knew Sue was in distress and somehow...don't ask me how, but somehow I just knew that it was grape and/or fridge related."

So small, so fragile, yet so very, very dangerous.

Roy attempted to lift the fridge by placing all the weight directly on his lower spine and jerking it upwards in a textbook display of "bad naked".  After several minutes of disgruntled flexing and screaming towards the heavens, Roy gave up his efforts.  "I'm supposed to be the primary caregiver.  The bread maker.  The provider for this family.  And I can't even get a grape out from under our fridge...how can I call myself a man?"

You can't.

Their teenage son, Jeff, awoken at the calamity downstairs, decided that he couldn't bear to live in a world where a grape was stuck under his family's fridge, so he took his own life.  He left a brief suicide note stating that he "couldn't go on knowing that the grape would be stuck under there forever" and confessing to dropping a peanut under there one time.

We find you guilty of spilling soda on the new carpet.  A crime punishable by death.

The community has banded together to overcome this crisis.  "People are being very careful about what they say," said the mayor, Lee Pleese.  "People have stopped talking about grapes, fridges, and any combination of the two.  We just don't want to stir up any bad feelings for Sue and Roy."  Reports also note that no one seems to be using prepositions anymore for fear that saying "under" will only remind the broken family of what is still trapped beneath their fridge.

The fire department has been hard at work devising a plan to extract the grape.  "It's a very delicate situation.  That fridge is pretty heavy.  So heavy that no single person can lift it on their own.  One of the younger guys suggested that we all lift it at the same time to lighten the load...heh, rookies.  They're so naive.  I'm sure we'll figure something out.  I just hope that grape is still edible by the time we get it out." Engineers toyed with the theory that removing the food stuffs from the fridge would reduce its weight, therefore making it easier to move, but Roy responded swiftly by saying, "That would be way too much work."

A priest was brought in to give a blessing to all those involved because reportedly, "shit that he can't see is his specialty. "

God is just a grape under the fridge...of our souls.

Sue and Roy have begun their long road to recovery by buying some other fruits.  "Apples, oranges, bananas," said Sue.  "These are fruits we trust.  We can never lose track of those fruits, unless somehow one of them falls behind the dryer..."  Roy is currently working on removing all appliances from their home and sealing all fruit-sized spaces to prevent future disasters.

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