Monday, February 21, 2011

Humanity Given Do or Die Scenario, Chooses Death

The future is uncertain, that much is certain.  Well, for you guys anyway.  Strange Times is lucky enough to have an entire squadron of fortune telling gypsies at our disposal.  We were bored the other day so we decided to get a play by play on how the world is going to end.  Ya know, for fun.  What we discovered is that the world will indeed be ending in 2012 and mimics the film, 2012, quite accurately...except for one blaring difference.  Nobody survives.  Intrigued? Read more!

These three?  Oh yeah, they definitely die.  Especially that little girl.  She gets it the worst.

In about a year, things are going to seriously start getting a little bit weird.  First off, neutrinos from a massive solar flare are going to cause the temperature of the Earth's core to increase.  Now, Strange Times has always been pretty public about our hatred for neutrinos. We think that they are stuck up pricks that have never done a lick of good for this cosmos, but that's just our opinion.  So after this happens, a bunch of other shit is going to happen.  Meteors, volcanoes, earthquakes, you name it.  Even Woody Harrelson is gonna make an appearance.

Then, he's going to die really painfully.

Basically it's all going to boil down to this one standoff against the forces of nature.  There's gonna be an enormous ark thing that is built to survive the impending end of civilization.  Also, there's a big fuckin' wave coming in a matter of minutes.  This wave makes that wave that every surfer caught back in the summer of '74 look like ripples in a bathtub.  The kicker is: tickets to get on board are running for about a billion dollars each.  There's no discount for children or seniors either.  Now, if you're reading Strange Times, chances are you don't have a billion dollars.  In fact, it's almost a scientific law that you don't, so you're gonna want to start saving up immediately.  Lemonade stands, clipping coupons, whatever you have to do. Tickets are going to sell out faster than some currently culturally significant pop star's concert.  You could try to scalp for tickets on the day of the apocalypse, but so much stuff is going to be happening that people probably aren't going to be looking out for your stupid, non-billionaire ass.

This picture was sent back from the future.  Just to be clear, that person isn't helping the old woman up, but rather making sure she stays where she belongs...under the feet of the young, fit, and wealthy.

Don't feel too bad if you don't get onboard though.  It's really not going to do much good because some selfish asshole father, his selfish asshole family, and a couple Tibetan monks (or something like that) are going to sneak onto the ship right before the tsunami hits, but in doing so they're going to jam the gates, making it impossible to start up the engines.  Essentially turning the most expensive and crucial piece of equipment in the history of man into the biggest paperweight of all time.

Well, we're all fucked, but at least our phone bills won't blow off the table if we leave the window open.

We feel it necessary to point out that if the ship's crew had simply kept the gates shut, none of this would have happened.  We can't blame the destruction of the human race entirely on this asshole, his family, and some bald Asian men.  With about fifteen minutes before total annihilation, some black guy is going to come out of the woodwork, imploring that they open the gates to let the remaining members of humanity come aboard.  He makes one of the most rousing, inspiring, and tearjerking speeches of all time.  This performance is so engaging that every world leader completely ignores all protocol, max capacity limits, and basic logic and makes the decision to let thousands more onto the ark.

That's just like us humans.  Always cramming shit into other shit when the shit won't fit.

Keep in mind that all resources and living accommodations have been tediously calculated to maximize the chances of survival.  Sure, it might seem like the "human" thing to do to spare these innocent folks from a horrifying water-death, but let's be realistic.  Within the first week at sea, food will be depleted, excrement will pile up in every corner, and there will be an odd number of passengers, making it impossible to set up a fair game of Red Rover.  Also, since there wasn't enough time to take the proper clearance and security precautions before these people boarded the ship, chances are that at least one or two hundred homicidal maniacs slipped on.  That goes the same with rapists, terrorists, and guys with runny noses that are going to annoy everyone with their sniffling.

Good work, dickface.

With only a few minutes before impact and the gates still ajar because of something jammed in the hydraulics, the same asshole that caused the problem will be given the chance to redeem himself by going on a suicide mission to remove the obstruction, close the gates, and save every living person left on the planet.  Now, this is about the time that reality strays from the film. In the film, the asshole (John Cusack) says goodbye to his family, takes what may be his taste of oxygen, and plunges down into the depths of the ship's haul in a heroically selfless effort to undo the damage he has done.  And he succeeds!  The ship's engines turn on just in time and everyone sails to Africa to have the most massive condomless orgy of all time to repopulate. This is a pleasant thought, but unfortunately...not what's going to happen.

In real life, John Cusack is one of the first people to die.  During the initial earthquake that starts this whole thing, he trips while exiting his home and breaks his neck, killing him instantly.

With less than a minute left before the ship collides into Mt. Everest at deadly speeds, the asshole is presented with his challenge.  He will survey the room, take one last look at his family he is leaving behind, and he will submerge himself underwater.  Moments later, he will return to the surface claiming that "the saltwater stings when he opens his eyes".  The black guy from before will implore the asshole to fight through it, but this will only make the asshole angry.  "I tried already, okay?" he will shout.  "I can't do it.  I'm wearing contacts and it just really burns. Just forget it."  Frustrated, the black guy will slump dramatically to the floor, the asshole and his family will drown, and the rest of the world's population will be crushed to death beneath the tremendous glacial fragments of the tallest mountain on Earth.  

That's what's going to happen and no, there's nothing you can do to change it.  It doesn't even matter that we wrote this article because it's still going to play out exactly like this.  Even if the asshole brings along a pair of goggles, he's still not going to fix the problem.  He'll just say how "they're too tight" and that "they pinch his ear skin".  

If you can do this, but times a million, you might have a chance.

Now, we've been working on our own ship that's going to keep us completely safe and unharmed from this disaster, but...well we really only put enough slot machines and shrimp cocktails in the casino for us and if we let you guys come on, then we're going to have to let that guy that works at the pet store come on too.  And we hate that guy.

That'll teach him...jerk.

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