Saturday, February 19, 2011

Office Pizza Party Is The Best One Yet

You may be aware Johnson and Juhnstan Insurance from their commercials. Since a few years ago, they have been delivering automobile, house, life, and botched penis surgery insurance.  They pride themselves in their low, low rates, their rewards for safe driving, and their bi-monthly pizza parties that "really blow the lid off of the office."

"So I says to the guy...nothing because I had his dick in my mouth.  Hm, how 'bout this 'za?"
Since the start of the company, Richard Johnson has been dedicated to making J&J the insurance corporation that people actually want to work at.  "Let's be honest," confessed Johnson.  "Insurance is fucking boring ass fuck-shit.  That's why me and my illegitimate half-brother business partner, Tito Juhnstan, came up with the idea for these gatherings where employees could eat pizza and just sorta...what do the kids say?  Hang out.  Yeah, that's it."  These pizza parties have occured every other Friday since before anyone can remember.  "I don't even remember which came first," recalled Tito.  "The pizza parties or the insurance?"

Some mysteries will never be solved.

Corporate spares no expense to make these parties unforgettable.  They provide three large pizzas with various toppings, including one small plain cheese pizza that comes with orders over twenty dollars.  Also, several (two) types of soda are provided, including diet and regular.  "It's great," said Bill from accounting.  "The choices are practically endless.  The best thing is, you don't have to choose.  You can have it all."

Shown: It all.

On Thursday, suspicions began to arise that there wasn't going to be a pizza party the next day.  "Terry told me they cancelled it," said a concerned employee.  "I just couldn't believe it.  That pizza is all we have to look forward to around here.  If they cancel it, I don't know what I'll do to myself or others.  Something bad...really, really bad."  These rumors proved to just be false speculations by longtime anti-pizza party naysayer, Joe from HR.  "Those pizza parties suck," griped Joe.  "HR is always the last department to get there and there's never any corner pieces left...I love the corner pieces."

"You ate the leftovers in the breakroom, didn't you? I smell Ciabatta on your breath, you fucking cunt."
The pizza party did indeed commence at 2 p.m. on Friday as promised.  "It was a big relief when they sent out a memo letting us know that it was still on," said a relieved John Reliefster.  "I was so happy, I even hugged Tom Schmidt.  That might've been a mistake because now he's filing a sexual harassment claim on me, but I was just really excited about the pizza.  Also, I touched his butt."  For the next half hour, the entire office came together as one.  They joked, laughed, and indulged themselves.  "Typically I try to only eat a few slices," said Barb from the front desk. "But all I had this morning was that fish smoothie, so I thought I owed it to myself to be a little bad."  Phrases like "my diet starts tomorrow","my arteries are getting clogged just looking at it", and "that's a heart attack waiting to happen" were heard repeatedly, but that did not hinder anyone from fully enjoying the authentic Italian pizza pie from Jeff's Pizza and Pasta down the street. 

Viva Italia!

There was a brief dispute on what toppings to get, but it was resolved when Stan from the fifth floor suggested they simply get "half mushrooms and sausage and half black olives and pepperoni."  He was immediately given a raise to CEO for his quick thinking and pizza menu savvy.  "Stan really deserved that promotion," said his secretary, Anne.  "Before he got here, none of us knew that pineapple could be a topping.  I mean, fruit on a pizza!  I sure am glad we got to have that affair."

All in all, employees agree that it was the best pizza party since a few months ago when Steven brought in that tray of brownies.  "Man, those brownies were out of sight," said the janitor, thinking back on pizza parties long since past.  "Don't get me wrong, the pizza and pop are always great, but there was just something about those brownies." 

When someone jested that they were "special brownies", Steven responded "I don't know what that means."

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