Sunday, February 20, 2011

Authorities On Statewide Hunt For Man That Recently Got A Hair Cut

CHICAGO, IL-Area officials have ordered all available officers in the state to drop what they are doing and turn their attention to a man responsible for a grave criminal offense.  At 3:30pm yesterday afternoon, mattress shop owner, P.C. Batter reported a "freshly groomed man" entering his store.  "Just by taking one look at him," described Batter.  "I could tell this guy was bad news.  His side burns were way too sharp and he didn't have any neck scruff.  Like...none at all."  After milling about for several minutes and pressing his palms down on Batter's wide selection of mattresses, the man selected one that was not too firm nor too soft.  "Ah, yeah.  The Sleepmaster 450.  That's one hell of a model," said Tommy Rogers, a shopper who was at the store at the time of the incident.  "I'd love to be laying down on one of those every night, but not on my salary.  Nah, that's a real luxury bed.  Whoever this guy is, he's got good taste."

A fine mattress is like a fine wine covered in dead skin cells and dried ejaculate.

Batter, employees, and customers alike watched in horror and disbelief as the mysteriously clean-shaven man climbed into the bed on the showroom floor.  Many of us have, at one time or another, sat on the edge of a bed to test its resistance to our body weight, but this degenerate on the outskirts of the law took it a dangerous step further.  He got under the covers.

"There are some things you just don't do," agreed a newly married couple shopping for a Queen-sized mattress.  "This is one of them."  The atrocities did not stop there.  After the man untucked all of the covers and ruffled the pillows, he exited the bed, put on his shoes that he had removed to intensify his comfort, and left the store.  Batter rushed over to the bed to inspect the damage and noticed dozens, possibly hundreds of hairs ranging from short to very short littered throughout the bed.  Police were notified immediately and arrived on the scene within the hour.  "Right away, I knew we weren't dealing with just any ordinary psychopath," said Deputy Vacholie.  "Our forensics team analyzed those hair samples and just as we suspected...they're fresh.  This son of bitch just got a haircut and hasn't even been home to shower yet."

What's that smell? It's that blue stuff they keep the combs in, isn't it?  IT IS!  You've been hanging around that barber shop haven't you?  Haven't you?!

Illinois and surrounding states have been put on high alert and the president has declared the U.S. in a state of emergency until this perpetrator can be brought to justice.  Hound dogs from Germany have caught onto the scent of the man's hair clippings, but unfortunately have begun mauling hairdressers at every turn.  "There's usually a 24 hour window for these types of things," explained Sergeant Crowley, head of Project Hair Hunter.  "By now, this guy has probably brushed the trimmings off of his shoulders, taken his shirt off in the garage, and gone straight to the big sink in the laundry room to wash off his neck.  If we don't catch this bastard soon...he may be gone forever."

Some say he's just a myth.  Some say he's Victor from down the street, but on the other hand, his hair has always been kept in fabulous condition.  

The bed was taken into police custody as evidence.  Batter did not seem sad to see the mattress extracted from his store by a hazardous waste handling squad.  "It was a good model," he said.  "But after that man violated it, it's tough to look at.  I'm really focusing on putting this whole thing behind me."  The community doesn't believe enough is being done to ensure this doesn't happen again.  "I'm thinking we need mandatory wash-off stations in every Great Clips, Super Cuts, and Trim Champs across the nation," suggested a father that still takes a sucker after his son gets a haircut.  "We need to keep unstable lowlifes like this off of the street.  If not for us, for the children."

When a hotshot from the FBI suggested that they test the DNA in the hair to catch the man quicker, local authorities shot the idea down.  "That's renegade, loose cannon shit.  We don't roll like that around this precinct," said Officer Haleston.  "Believe me, we're gonna catch this guy, but we're gonna do it by the book."

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