Government Announces 'Spensive Renovation

In a shocking and sudden press conference this afternoon, plans were revealed for a government project that would cost nearly several many billion dollar bills probably.  "No more stairs," announced Antoine Anchove, Secretary of Steps.  "The charade has gone on long enough.  From now on, it's escalators all the way, baby."  A record number of gasps were reported.

Middle-Aged Bully Reminisces On Nerd Bashing Days

Chaz Braundochenko sits in a dingy one bedroom apartment on the upper east side of Iowa City.  His entire body quivers like a fragile wad of clenching fury.  His varicose veins create a bulgy grid of weakly pulsing blood that travels to all of his flabby extremities and back to his fat-encrusted heart.  In his prime, Chaz was the all star varsity scrubber for his high school's curling team, as well as the tri-county bullying champion.  Ranking nationally in wedgies, depth and emotional scarring taken into consideration, leading in spitballs into teachers' mouths accuracy, and second in the state in squeezing milk cartons so it comes out of kids' noses, Braundochenko enacted many changes within the bully community.  Now, he's just some guy remembering stuff.

We think we've used this picture before, but that kid is just such a wuss.

Confetti: An Insider's Peep

“What’re you crazy?” said CEO James Caanfetti of Caanfetti Confetti Company.  “You've got no idea what you’re getting into here.  I think it'd be best if you marched on out of here and forget we ever spoke.  And take your stinking ape with you."  This is the welcome our battalion of infield reporters received on the front steps of the world's largest distributor of little itty bitty pieces of party paper.  There have been rumors circulating about some shady, saucy activity going down within their factory walls, so naturally we decided to stick our greasy noses all up in their well-oiled junk.

We can't say they weren't asking for it.  Just look at those Crow's Feet.

Local Man Prefers Single Stuffed

If there's one thing the human race knows how to do, it's stuff.  Bodies into trunks, wieners into butts and other assorted stuffings into various stuff-holes.  Perhaps the most recognizable example is the white stuff wedged in between those brown cookie-like crisps.  You know the ones.

 Yup, gotta love those unnamed cookies.

Local Man Wishes He Had Held Baby Raccoon

Early yesterday afternoon while mowing his lawn, Clyde Bridesdale examined something out of the ordinary making its way down his street.  A small pack of children with smiles spread across their faces.  Happiness, a rare sight and confusing concept to Clyde, struck him with curiosity and he walked towards the kids.  "It took me a few minutes to build up the nerve to go over," explained Clyde.  "I always think their parents are watching and they'll mistake me for a child humper, which I'm totally not."
 

Who says you need to be an adult to touch kids?

Gym Teacher Fears Strong Kids, Sabatoges Curriculum

If you are a reader of Strange Times, chances are your state of health leaves something to be desired.  Whether you have high cholesterol, a mean case of ugly-skin, or are just plain fat as fuck, we're banking on the fact that there's a gaping hole in your self-confidence.  Luckily for all you malnourished nutbags, there are fitness trainers, nutritionists, and others out there who have dedicated their lives to boosting confidence and toning nasty asses.  Pete Buchanan is one of these people.  Pete teaches physical education.  Really badly.

Alright kids, time for wristy-strainy's.

Local Man Cannot Fully Enjoy Breakfast

While on his 35, sometimes 43 minute commute via bus to work, Bradley Shuda suddenly became very self-conscious of his morning eating habits.  "Usually I just pack a granola bar," recounted Bradley.  "You know, those chewy Quaker ones.  Ain't got no problems with those."

 Oh, we got problems.  Big problems.

Local Man Interrupts Urinal Fart, Punished By Death

Dan Dadson entered the restroom several dozen afternoons ago with high hopes.  Knowing full well how to drain urine and expel excrement from his body, he stood in front of the receptacle and took out his wangle.  As the flow began, a tremendous pressure was lifted from Dadson's dong and he achieved a state of relaxation so blissful it made gravy seem uptight.

Gravy, harshin' potatoes buzz since 1966.

Housewife Falls Asleep On Her Stupid Face

On a recent red-eye flight from Tuscon to Sicily, 42-year-old Nannette Baulm fell asleep on her stupid goddam face, causing her to suffocate shortly after takeoff.  Early on in the flight Nannette asked a flight attendant for a pillow.  "I take my job seriously as shit," said the anonymous airline employee.  "Someone asks for a pillow, they get a pillow.  That's just how I live my life."  Having a chronic fear of strangers putting poison in her mouth while she sleeps, Nannette put the tray table down, leaned forward, and quickly fell asleep to the sounds of The Big Bang Theory coming through her headphones.  She had just purchased them for a reasonable $4.95, tax not included.  Though she had never watched the show before, she noted to her husband seated next to her that it was "pretty funny" before resting her head to, as she put it, "catch a couple of Z's".

 This guy died too, but from AIDS.

Jokester Crushed By Anvil In Unfunny Stunt

Yesterday afternoon, 16-year-old class clown James Tahee attempted to recreate a classic scene from his favorite cartoon by dropping an anvil on his head from great heights.  "I've always loved cartoon physics," said an optimistic Tahee, several hours before the stunt.  "Last summer I tried for weeks to run out over a ledge and just sort of hang in the air for a few seconds before falling, but all I got was a broken femur and spent about a year in traction."

"I'm sorry. Your spinal cord has been severed, cutting off all communication to your nerve endings. You'll never walk again.  Also, those glasses make you look like a nerd."

Local Man Can't Stop Watching Food Network, Starves To Death

Have you ever enjoyed watching food being prepared more than actually eating it?  Of course not!  And that's why you're still alive and kicking.  Or hopefully at the very least, petting cats too hard in the wrong direction.

 We love cats, but love breaking their bones even more.