Local Man Cannot Fully Enjoy Breakfast

While on his 35, sometimes 43 minute commute via bus to work, Bradley Shuda suddenly became very self-conscious of his morning eating habits.  "Usually I just pack a granola bar," recounted Bradley.  "You know, those chewy Quaker ones.  Ain't got no problems with those."

 Oh, we got problems.  Big problems.

Local Man Interrupts Urinal Fart, Punished By Death

Dan Dadson entered the restroom several dozen afternoons ago with high hopes.  Knowing full well how to drain urine and expel excrement from his body, he stood in front of the receptacle and took out his wangle.  As the flow began, a tremendous pressure was lifted from Dadson's dong and he achieved a state of relaxation so blissful it made gravy seem uptight.

Gravy, harshin' potatoes buzz since 1966.

Housewife Falls Asleep On Her Stupid Face

On a recent red-eye flight from Tuscon to Sicily, 42-year-old Nannette Baulm fell asleep on her stupid goddam face, causing her to suffocate shortly after takeoff.  Early on in the flight Nannette asked a flight attendant for a pillow.  "I take my job seriously as shit," said the anonymous airline employee.  "Someone asks for a pillow, they get a pillow.  That's just how I live my life."  Having a chronic fear of strangers putting poison in her mouth while she sleeps, Nannette put the tray table down, leaned forward, and quickly fell asleep to the sounds of The Big Bang Theory coming through her headphones.  She had just purchased them for a reasonable $4.95, tax not included.  Though she had never watched the show before, she noted to her husband seated next to her that it was "pretty funny" before resting her head to, as she put it, "catch a couple of Z's".

 This guy died too, but from AIDS.

Jokester Crushed By Anvil In Unfunny Stunt

Yesterday afternoon, 16-year-old class clown James Tahee attempted to recreate a classic scene from his favorite cartoon by dropping an anvil on his head from great heights.  "I've always loved cartoon physics," said an optimistic Tahee, several hours before the stunt.  "Last summer I tried for weeks to run out over a ledge and just sort of hang in the air for a few seconds before falling, but all I got was a broken femur and spent about a year in traction."

"I'm sorry. Your spinal cord has been severed, cutting off all communication to your nerve endings. You'll never walk again.  Also, those glasses make you look like a nerd."

Local Man Can't Stop Watching Food Network, Starves To Death

Have you ever enjoyed watching food being prepared more than actually eating it?  Of course not!  And that's why you're still alive and kicking.  Or hopefully at the very least, petting cats too hard in the wrong direction.

 We love cats, but love breaking their bones even more.

Prom Bungle Result of DJ's Costly Mistake

Prom is typically a night of spiked punch, regrets to-be-made, and a mediocre music selection, but for Porkchup High School, the night was thumping to an entirely different tune.  The drastically overpriced dresses had been purchased, the ill-fitting tuxes had been rented, and the pre-Prom chubs had been worked up by all the young lads hoping for some action.

River Chub: Nature's Half-Boner

Local Man Can Only Play Video Games On Easy

There comes times when we must challenge ourselves.  We must look deep inside ourselves and muster up the inner strength to overcome whatever obstacle lie ahead.  This can lead us to some shocking realizations about ourselves and how we react under pressure.  One man, Xavier Tarund, already knows these things about himself.  This is why Xavier can only play video games on the Easy difficulty.

"What do you expect me to do?!  Block that little ball with that line?  I'm not a miracle worker, Brad!"

Hitmans Hires Self To Commit Suicide

At roughly 7:32 yesterday evening in El Paso, Anthony Salahmi was found dead behind the dumpster of Don Wan's Chinese buffet.  Employees of the restaurant said they heard a ruckus outside and shortly after, a single gunshot.  "I ran outside to see what happened," explained busboy Chow Chin.  "I walk out the door and there he is, bleeding out of his face hole, all over the alley just after I hosed it out.  I didn't see or hear anyone running away, which I thought was weird at the time, but then I had to cook some eggrolls or wontons, some shit like that.  I guess I just sorta forgot about it until the cops showed up."

An unsupervised ruckus can end in disaster...or an orgy.

Telemarketer Racked With Guilt After Interrupting Dinner

Telephone salespeople are a lot like assholes...everyone has to deal with their shit at some point.  Also, most of the time they're just fucking assholes.  However, there is one telemarketer with honest intentions.  One saleperson with no gimmick, rigamarole, or hidden agenda.  Just some fucking guy trying to sell some fucking thing.  That man is Unf Whoomp.

Unf is neither of these two men.

Local Man Loses Asshole Virginity

From time to time, many of us find ourselves practicing basic personal hygiene.  Whether it be a bath, a shower, or simply hosing ourselves off with our own urine, we all need to spend a little time alone, scraping mystery crud off of our bodies.  These moments of solitary cleaning can reveal some startling things about ourselves and drive us to great lengths to correct these shortcomings.  For one man, it involved diving a little deeper to someplace a little smellier.

Nope, not here.