Manufacturer Announces First Ever Brakeless Car

The air in the convention center was electric. The tension could've been cut with a baby carrot. It was the 96th Annual Sac County Auto-Erotic Auto Show and this year was one for the history books. Ever since Ford's Model T hit the streets, America's love affair with cars has been ongoing (minus that one year when everyone drove blimps...what a big step back for mankind that was). Automobiles don't judge us. They take us where we want to go, no questions asked. To our jobs, homes, brothels, and as of next Monday, hurtling off of cliffs and smashing into brick walls at breakneck speeds.


The last woman you'll ever kiss.

Hockey Team Releases Kraken During Playoffs

Every once in awhile, sports do something incredibly stupid. Whether it be Monday Night Football’s Infant Toss or Tennis’ Testicle Tourney, the world of sports is often one of little intelligent life. But late last week, Hockey really stepped up and caked on the dim-wittedness thicker than Burt Reynolds’ mustache.


They say it was forged by the Gods and then turned around and raped them all.

Second Coming of Christ Disappoints Many, Hollywood To Blame

Like it has been said in the scripture and so many awful, but reasonably priced Christian CD compilations, Jesus has indeed risen again. Many of us know of his not so recent run in with the Romans that resulted in him being abducted back to his home planet, Heaven. Due to the sudden influx of “mondo sinning” that we’ve all been doing, Jesus has been forced to return to Earth in an effort to save our dirty, dirty souls.


We don't know what's more of a sin, the fact that this exists or that we're looking at it.

Wolfman Charged With Indecent Exposure at Pet Store

Think about the worst thing you’ve ever seen? Get it really engrained in your frontal lobe. Drop everything you’re doing and just focus on this one traumatic image that has permanently destroyed your sense of comfort and wellbeing. Got it? Well no matter how many Uncle Frank’s kissing Uncle Harry’s or kittens getting run over by zambonis you’ve seen, that doesn’t stack up to what the employees and customers of Pep’s Pets saw last Thursday.


We can't stress enough just how bad it was.

Detective Duo Solves Mystery No One Cared About In The First Place

Justice was served with a side of law-tatoes when Private Investigator Steve Snoop and his partner Sylvester Sleuth finally ended their longest pursuit to date. These two crime-molesting lawmen have busted the nut open on such monumental crimes such as “That Guy Jacking Off On The Subway” and “Man Who Doesn’t Pick Up His Dog’s Shit”. They also apprehended “Lady Who Stole A Pen From Bank” last February. The woman claimed it was an accident and that she would gladly return the pen, but these two were so determined to follow through with the case that they got her the maximum sentence of 15 years on Rikers Island.


Think about this next time you take more than one free sample at the grocery store.

Horrorscopes

The universe has a plan for us all. Through the alignment of planets and depending on what kind of mood God is in, your destiny can be determined...


And this time, he's pissed.

Aries: Something inside of you is hatching! Kill yourself before it takes control of your brain!

Taurus: Untold wealth is coming your way! Unfortunately, it will pass right by you and be given to your enemies…they will use it to plot your downfall.

Gemini: Your wife is cheating on you with your own child…who she had with another man…who was actually another woman.

Cancer: You will get cancer and lots of it.

Leo: Do not read any horoscopes today or your family will be butchered by an airplane propeller.

Virgo: A long lost love will return to your life…with a gun.

Libra: Your track record for not being anally probed by Martians will end in the near future.

Scorpio: Something you’ve eaten today contained ready-to-hatch scorpion eggs. How do we know? We put them there.

Sagittarius: Your sexuality will take an unexpected, barnyard-themed turn.

Capricorn: We don’t even wanna say what’s gonna happen to you…you poor bastard.

Aquarius: Your lungs will contain significantly
more water at the end of the day.

Pisces: Your life will take an intriguing detour into a brick wall at 70 mph.

All of your lucky numbers are 666. When the moon is full, Lucifer will emerge from his dormant home in all of your souls and use your bodies as vessels for his minions to walk the Earth and carry out his dark deeds...congratulations!

Daredevil Duct Tapes Himself To Empire State Building, A Few People Are Moderately Interested

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Birthday Party Ends In Tragedy When Child Admits To Being Full Grown Man

The festivities had just begun at Bobby Bober’s birthday blowout. It was a celebration to mark his eleventh birthday…so the party goers thought. The balloons had been blown, but the blowing of minds, as well as other things that can be blown would come later in the evening. With candles lit, Bober’s mother, Janice, led the group of Bobby’s peers and relatives in singing “Happy Birthday”. Just as the last round of “cha-cha-chas” echoed into the mango colored sky of the setting sun, Bobby stood up. All guests fell silent as Bobby made an announcement. He revealed to his friends, family, and neighbors that he was not turning eleven, but in fact was turning thirty. This revelation was met with laughter at first, but matters soon grew more serious when Bobby wiped a thin layer of makeup off of his face that had been concealing his five a clock shadow.


Wham! Bet you didn't see that comin'

Hemophilic Man Gets Paper Cut, Begins Planning Funeral

Jose Rodriguez was dismayed earlier today to see that he had indeed gotten a paper cut on his left index finger whilst flipping through a Burlington Coat Factory catalog. He was looking for a new blazer when he felt a sudden pain, followed by a small stream of blood that began to trickle out of the wound.


Responsible for more deaths than you might think. Second only to JCPenny.

To most, this would be a minor ordeal solved by a simple band-aid, but Jose is a hemophiliac. This disorder means that his blood cannot clot and will continue to bleed indefinitely without proper medical treatment. In recent hours he has been on the phone with a local funeral parlor and cemetery. Doctors have urged Jose to come to the hospital and that his case of hemophilia is not severe at all. “We could fix him up good as new in like, ten minutes. I’m not quite sure why he thinks he’s going to die. It would take weeks for him to die from this wound. And even then he’d probably starve to death before this kills him.” Dr. Franz Lurt said. Mr. Rodriguez admits to being a chronic “giver upper” and often accepts defeat before a challenge is even presented to him. “I’ve lived a good life. I fully accept that this is how I’m meant to die. We all have a destiny and this is mine.” Jose said.

Rodriguez should be his receiving his casket later this week and intends on lying in it until he dies. We will update you on this story whenever that happens…it could be awhile.

Osama bin Laden Found In Unlikely Location

Osama bin Laden (born Osama bin Mohammed bin Whogivesafuck bin Awad bin Laden) will forever remain as a figure of evil in America's eyes. Since his organization of the 9/11 attacks, he has been at the top of every agency's shit list. A worldwide manhunt has gone on for years and thousands of hours of manpower have been expended. The search for this diabolical fiend has taken our country's freedom fighters to some of the most uninhabited areas on the globe. Little did we know that Osama was hiding within our very borders. Within our infrastructure. Living among us...well if you call hiding in a suburban family's closet living.


We sure do.

Squatter Becomes Roommate In Sitcom-Like Twist

Over the years, due to unemployment, homelessness, and pee covered toilet seats, squatting has increased by leaps and bounds. One man, James Wopp, experienced this phenomenon first hand. Wopp has lived in his high rise apartment for close to 3 years. Unbeknownst to him, Chris Pemp has been living there as well for the past 2 years. Pemp lost his job at the confections factory last December after he stabbed his co-worker in the temple with a sharpened candy cane. Since then he has ridden rails, eaten out of garbage cans, and trained pigeons to pickpocket tourists. Eventually he grew weary of street living and settled down in Wopp's attic.


The International Squatter's Symbol...or the logo for Nadsack Man.

At 12:01 AM on Friday, James heard rustling coming from his crawlspace. When he went to investigate, he caught Chris cooking the insulation from the walls to make his grandmother's famous Insulasagna and Asbestosalad. Pemp immediately spilled his beans, guts, and truth-testines to Wopp, admitting to have not only lived in the attic for nearly 27 months, but to have on several occasions used his bathtub while he was on vacation for fermenting grapes used in Chris' award-winning hobo wine. Wopp has taken the incident very well and does not hold a grudge. In fact, after the two sat down and hashed things out, they found they have more in common than they may have thought. Both are avid fans of sitcoms in which the characters are forced to live with an unlikely person. They saw this as a perfect opportunity to live out their shared dream.


Quit laughing. These two are moving into your guest bedroom.

Pemp has since been added to the lease and officially moved into the apartment. "It was a really easy transition. Basically all of my shit was already here. I'm very happy it worked out this way. If James hadn't been so agreeable and hospitable, I probably would have had to kill him." said Chris. The two have lived together for a little less than a week, but have become buddies. Rumors have begun circulating about their possible decision to become "best friendsies".

Local Man Deemed Wussbag By Council Of Manly Men

Crybaby. Pansy. Panty waste. Henry Groffe, or "Wittle Baby Henwy" as many know him by, has been called all of these things. Usually he took these insults with a grain of salt and never read too deeply into them, but recently he was summoned to Man Court to once and for all decide where he stood. The Council of Manly Men founded Man Court in the 1980's during a time of "killer action flicks" and bods so rockin' they made ACDC look like smooth jazz.

Their Lady Liberty.

Supreme Man Court Justice, Joe Plowski, said, "There's a lot of dudes in the world. Someone had to step up to put these nerds, geeks, dweebs, and losers in their place." At first, Henry refused to take part in such a degrading, vicious system, but he soon changed his mind when Judge Macho Man Randy Savage put him in a bodacious headlock and began noogie-ing him until his scalp was raw and bleeding. Henry sat in front of jury as they debated, argued, and wrestled to come to a conclusion. Judge Hulk Hogan said, "We can't just label this guy a wussbag. It'll destroy his life. Although...look at his bi's, tri's, and delts. Can you say, Flab City, USA. This guy's doughier than...than a really doughy pastry." Other members of the court include Dolph Lundgren, Ronnie Coleman, and Joe Piscopo (yeah, we don't know why he's there either). Henry was subjected to a polygraph test where he admitted his interests are gardening in jean shorts, painting portraits of his several cats, taking care of his grandmother, and butterfly hunting...although he claims to only do it for sport and always lets them go afterwards. This was enough for Man Court to make a decision and the verdict was unanimous. Henry is a Class A Wussbag and he has been sentenced to the maximum punishment. 10 years of random arm punches, 25 years of wet willies, and a lifetime of "poundings and major beatdowns". Henry was solemn after his fate was announced, but was in high hopes after he left the court room. "I think this marks a major turning point in my life. For years, I've lived in denial. Now that I finally know for a fact that I am indeed a wussbag, it'll make it a lot easier to collect stamps without being ashamed." said Mr. Groffe. Before he could get into his car, a local high school varsity quarterback wedgied him to the point of rectal collapse. Henry was rushed to St. Francis' Memorial Hospital and is currently in critical condition.

TIME Magazine Announces New Look

TIME, founded in 1923 by Briton Hadden and Henry Luce has risen above the rest to become the leading news magazine in the world. Over 25 million readers flip through their pages every week to get the what's what and who's who on global events. In mid-2006, Richard Stengel assumed power as managing editor. TIME has transitioned swimmingly between eras since its first issue, but Stengel has big ideas that he believe will take the magazine to a new high. They have officially announced that as of October 6th, TIME will be taking several interesting turns. "Porn," said Stengel at a press meeting, "Lots and lots of pornography. Also, more crossword puzzles." Investors and readers of the magazine questioned Stengel on just why he's uprooting TIME's longstanding professionalism and traditions. "It's 2010 and people don't care about news anymore. It's all happened before. Wars, famines, blah blah blah. What they want are tushes, ta-tas, and funny cartoons about dogs getting into various shenanigans." He has since fired the entire staff of TIME and filled their positions with employees from MAD Magazine, as well as The Onion. Strange Times has yet to receive a call, but that didn't stop us from sending Mr. Stengel a fruit basket. Yes, the fruit was injected with chemical nerve agents, but that's beside the point. Congratulations and best of luck to you, Mr. Stengel...you're going to need it.

They have released an early draft of their latest issue. Personally, we find it to be a cheaply replicated Strange Times...but whatever. Who cares what we think...fucking bastards.