Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Detective Duo Solves Mystery No One Cared About In The First Place

Justice was served with a side of law-tatoes when Private Investigator Steve Snoop and his partner Sylvester Sleuth finally ended their longest pursuit to date. These two crime-molesting lawmen have busted the nut open on such monumental crimes such as “That Guy Jacking Off On The Subway” and “Man Who Doesn’t Pick Up His Dog’s Shit”. They also apprehended “Lady Who Stole A Pen From Bank” last February. The woman claimed it was an accident and that she would gladly return the pen, but these two were so determined to follow through with the case that they got her the maximum sentence of 15 years on Rikers Island.

Think about this next time you take more than one free sample at the grocery store.

But for the past five months, they have been on a tireless pursuit of one that can only be named, “Guy Who Takes More Than One Penny From The Take A Penny, Leave A Penny Tray”. Gas station attendants across the county have been living in fear that their establishment would be this offender’s next target. Some went as far as taking the penny tray off the counter entirely. This was met with negative reactions by honest customers who regularly purchase one-cent Junk Wrap brand condoms.

This...but with a dick.

Fans of pennies everywhere rejoiced when news was released that Snoop and Sleuth had indeed caught this heinous criminal. “It’s been a long time in the coming, but we finally got him. This guy is a real scumbag. A grade-A asshole. He’s gonna fry for this, that we can guarantee.” said the duo. The man responsible for these crimes? None other than 42-year old Ted Coogan. You may know him from his job at the grocery store. Yeah, that’s the guy. And you asked him what aisle the cookies are in. Coogan’s fingerprints were recovered from a penny left on the ground at one of the crime scenes. The detectives captured him via giant net the very next day while he was dropping off a donation at Loads of Love Orphanage.

Orphans? Or conspirators? Don't let them fool you.

“This is our guy. We’re sure of it. You don’t just leave pennies lying around on the street unless you’re up to no good.” Coogan is currently being held in prison with no opportunity for bail. “With the kind of evidence we got on this dirtball, he’s going away for a long time.” Ted’s wife and three children were shocked to hear of the allegations against their husband and father, but soon began putting the pieces of this puzzle together. His fifteen-year-old son, Anthony, claims that, “My dad always had something jangling around in his pockets. He told me it was just his keys, but I knew it was change. Personally I don’t think the streets are safe with him on the loose.”

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