Sunday, September 26, 2010

Local Man Deemed Wussbag By Council Of Manly Men

Crybaby. Pansy. Panty waste. Henry Groffe, or "Wittle Baby Henwy" as many know him by, has been called all of these things. Usually he took these insults with a grain of salt and never read too deeply into them, but recently he was summoned to Man Court to once and for all decide where he stood. The Council of Manly Men founded Man Court in the 1980's during a time of "killer action flicks" and bods so rockin' they made ACDC look like smooth jazz.

Their Lady Liberty.

Supreme Man Court Justice, Joe Plowski, said, "There's a lot of dudes in the world. Someone had to step up to put these nerds, geeks, dweebs, and losers in their place." At first, Henry refused to take part in such a degrading, vicious system, but he soon changed his mind when Judge Macho Man Randy Savage put him in a bodacious headlock and began noogie-ing him until his scalp was raw and bleeding. Henry sat in front of jury as they debated, argued, and wrestled to come to a conclusion. Judge Hulk Hogan said, "We can't just label this guy a wussbag. It'll destroy his life. Although...look at his bi's, tri's, and delts. Can you say, Flab City, USA. This guy's doughier than...than a really doughy pastry." Other members of the court include Dolph Lundgren, Ronnie Coleman, and Joe Piscopo (yeah, we don't know why he's there either). Henry was subjected to a polygraph test where he admitted his interests are gardening in jean shorts, painting portraits of his several cats, taking care of his grandmother, and butterfly hunting...although he claims to only do it for sport and always lets them go afterwards. This was enough for Man Court to make a decision and the verdict was unanimous. Henry is a Class A Wussbag and he has been sentenced to the maximum punishment. 10 years of random arm punches, 25 years of wet willies, and a lifetime of "poundings and major beatdowns". Henry was solemn after his fate was announced, but was in high hopes after he left the court room. "I think this marks a major turning point in my life. For years, I've lived in denial. Now that I finally know for a fact that I am indeed a wussbag, it'll make it a lot easier to collect stamps without being ashamed." said Mr. Groffe. Before he could get into his car, a local high school varsity quarterback wedgied him to the point of rectal collapse. Henry was rushed to St. Francis' Memorial Hospital and is currently in critical condition.

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