Monday, September 27, 2010

Osama bin Laden Found In Unlikely Location

Osama bin Laden (born Osama bin Mohammed bin Whogivesafuck bin Awad bin Laden) will forever remain as a figure of evil in America's eyes. Since his organization of the 9/11 attacks, he has been at the top of every agency's shit list. A worldwide manhunt has gone on for years and thousands of hours of manpower have been expended. The search for this diabolical fiend has taken our country's freedom fighters to some of the most uninhabited areas on the globe. Little did we know that Osama was hiding within our very borders. Within our infrastructure. Living among us...well if you call hiding in a suburban family's closet living.

We sure do.

Bin Laden was discovered last night in the Gunderson's home, hiding underneath a pile of jackets in their hallway closet. A babysitter, one Jane Plespie, was watching the Gunderson twins. They had engaged in a friendly game of hide and seek. Jane had been chosen to be the seeker in this game due to a carefully strategized round of Eeny, meeny, miny, moe carried out by Teddy Gunderson. Teddy knew the pattern well and deliberately said "eeny" on himself, so that Jane would be chosen instead of himself or his sister, Elaine Gunderson. After 10 minutes of fervent searching, Jane decided to recheck the closet where she had sworn she already checked, but just wanted to make sure. This closet was where the Gunderson's kept their fall and winter clothing, scarves, gloves, etc. It was in this closet where she found the most wanted man in the world. At first Osama attempted to reason with Jane and tried to convince her not to turn him in, but realizing the jig was up, bin Laden fled the home and hid in some nearby bushes where authorities apprehended him within the hour.

Hitler might be in there too.

Top CIA, FBI, and Strange Times officials were notified immediately and we were lucky enough to listen in on the interrogation. Apparently this criminal mastermind has been hiding here for longer than we could have ever imagined. "It wasn't very hard. I've always been a really good hider. I would change it up every few months. I spent about a six months hiding in their pantry, another year behind the cat's litter box...that was a tough year." said Osama in a stupid, idiot, jackass voice.

Although bin Laden remained undiscovered for over 5 years, he was unable to break the record of Robbie Figglestein, who has been hiding since 1973.

Robbie's Last Known Hiding Spot

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