Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Hockey Team Releases Kraken During Playoffs

Every once in awhile, sports do something incredibly stupid. Whether it be Monday Night Football’s Infant Toss or Tennis’ Testicle Tourney, the world of sports is often one of little intelligent life. But late last week, Hockey really stepped up and caked on the dim-wittedness thicker than Burt Reynolds’ mustache.

They say it was forged by the Gods and then turned around and raped them all.

Fans of the Brown Town Brawlers were enjoying an evening of good old fashion family fun, complete with shattered ribcages, internal bleeding, eyes being knocked clean of their sockets…the works. People of all shapes, colors, and sizes came to see the Brawlers take on their longtime rivals, The Kansas City Kuntes. What spectators did not anticipate during that night of unadulterated violence was something straight out of ancient mythology. That’s right, you guessed it. Everybody’s favorite towering sea-beast…A Kraken.

Paying five dollars for a hot dog doesn't seem so bad now, does it?

Halfway through the third period, the stadium began to rumble and a crack formed on the ice that made your plumber’s ass look like…really not that bad at all. Fairweather fans soon fled the stadium, but diehard Brawlers stayed to watch the mayhem. “You know how much season tickets cost? I wasn’t about to leave ‘cuz of some big fish or squid or whatever the hell it is.” said one fan. Fans of the Kuntes were outraged after witnessing their team being crushed, maimed, and eaten. They’re calling the Krak-attack “a below the belt tactic” and “the oldest trick in the book”. Referees are calling fair play. “In this sport, you gotta be ready for anything. I can’t disqualify a team every time something like this happens. It’s part of the game.” said one ref.

Hockey: Devaluing human life has never been so fucking awesome.

John Prowe, the Brawlers’ manager released a statement saying, “This is just the kind of boost our franchise needed after our team bus ran over all those people. We are attempting to get in contact with the Kraken’s agent about possibly adopting him as our new mascot.” As of now the Kraken is still reeking havoc across the Eastern Seaboard. The Navy, The Marines, and local fishermen have been deployed in an attempt to recapture this mighty beast. In other news, Red Lobster is officially closing down all of its restaurants in an attempt to please the beast, so at least something good has come from all of this.

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