Sunday, September 26, 2010

Squatter Becomes Roommate In Sitcom-Like Twist

Over the years, due to unemployment, homelessness, and pee covered toilet seats, squatting has increased by leaps and bounds. One man, James Wopp, experienced this phenomenon first hand. Wopp has lived in his high rise apartment for close to 3 years. Unbeknownst to him, Chris Pemp has been living there as well for the past 2 years. Pemp lost his job at the confections factory last December after he stabbed his co-worker in the temple with a sharpened candy cane. Since then he has ridden rails, eaten out of garbage cans, and trained pigeons to pickpocket tourists. Eventually he grew weary of street living and settled down in Wopp's attic.

The International Squatter's Symbol...or the logo for Nadsack Man.

At 12:01 AM on Friday, James heard rustling coming from his crawlspace. When he went to investigate, he caught Chris cooking the insulation from the walls to make his grandmother's famous Insulasagna and Asbestosalad. Pemp immediately spilled his beans, guts, and truth-testines to Wopp, admitting to have not only lived in the attic for nearly 27 months, but to have on several occasions used his bathtub while he was on vacation for fermenting grapes used in Chris' award-winning hobo wine. Wopp has taken the incident very well and does not hold a grudge. In fact, after the two sat down and hashed things out, they found they have more in common than they may have thought. Both are avid fans of sitcoms in which the characters are forced to live with an unlikely person. They saw this as a perfect opportunity to live out their shared dream.

Quit laughing. These two are moving into your guest bedroom.

Pemp has since been added to the lease and officially moved into the apartment. "It was a really easy transition. Basically all of my shit was already here. I'm very happy it worked out this way. If James hadn't been so agreeable and hospitable, I probably would have had to kill him." said Chris. The two have lived together for a little less than a week, but have become buddies. Rumors have begun circulating about their possible decision to become "best friendsies".

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