Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Manufacturer Announces First Ever Brakeless Car

The air in the convention center was electric. The tension could've been cut with a baby carrot. It was the 96th Annual Sac County Auto-Erotic Auto Show and this year was one for the history books. Ever since Ford's Model T hit the streets, America's love affair with cars has been ongoing (minus that one year when everyone drove blimps...what a big step back for mankind that was). Automobiles don't judge us. They take us where we want to go, no questions asked. To our jobs, homes, brothels, and as of next Monday, hurtling off of cliffs and smashing into brick walls at breakneck speeds.

The last woman you'll ever kiss.

The room grew quiet, except for one man with a cold that kept sniffling, but he was escorted from the premises and placed under a moving steamroller.
A slick quasi-asian man with an eye for women's shoes strolled to the center of the stage. He stared out through squinted eyes into the vast crowd of anticipating motor-heads. He revealed himself to be Jumanji Achbung, the recent inheritor of Shittpyle Motor Company. His father, recently passed away while testing out the prototype for their latest model. And by "passed away", we mean he fucking exploded into the next life at 130 miles per hour in a screaming metal fucktrap that was also on fire.

It made this look like a fender bender.

Shittpyle has been around since the early days of autos, but has never reached commercial success because of their "bold" innovations and "outside-of-boxedness". They are behind the classic models such as, Car You Steer With Your Dick and Car Made Entirely Out Of Pipe Cleaners. Their company has been under investigation and crammed full of litigation since day one, but they have continued to operate solely off the donations of a lone mystery benefactor.

We imagine that person looking a lot like this.

Jumanji was at the convention to officially announce that the blueprints have been approved and their latest monstrosity will be hitting the assembly line in less than two weeks. The Brakeless Car. Also known as The ZRX Zoomy-Crashy Death-Box GT Turbo. The crowd went into a frenzy as the curtains were drawn, revealing the car. Camera bulbs flashed, overheated, and shattered, sending shards of searing hot glass into the tear/blood-stricken eyes of onlookers. The Brakeless Car, Jumanji believes will stand as the greatest revolution in car history. "It's very simple. Typical American man like go fast. Supah, supah fast. So we make car ONLY go fast. Never slow down ever." The announcement soon became a Q&A as countless questions were fired at Achbung. Vice President of Shittpyle, Dennis Indigo stepped forward to handle the brunt of the crowd. This transcript will surely be used in court in the near, near future.

Reporter(s): "Mr. Indigo!"

Indigo: "Yes, you in the front there."

"Pardon my french, the fuck do you fucking stop that fucking thing?"

"Was that not clear? You don't stop."

" how...uhhh. How do you stop again?"

"Are there any other questions?"

"Yes! Over here, Mr. Indigo. Whit Crud, Daily Gazette. Will this be repeat of Shittpyle's last venture that ended in failure?"

"Which venture are you referring to?"

"The Engineless Car. Many buyers were disappointed after purchasing it when they could not drive it home from the dealership."

"Yes, it was met with some negative feedback, but I think you're all forgetting about the massive reduction in gas prices due to the Engineless Car. There are still people driving around on the same tank of gas from the day they bought it."

"Well...they aren't actually driving anywhe-"

"Next question!"

"Just how fast can the Brakeless Car go?"

"A better question would be how fast CAN'T it go."

"That doesn't make sen-"

"The Brakeless Car's speed grows exponentially with every second after you turn it on. You will be breaking land speed records on your way to work. You will be able to take a family road trip across the country and still be home in time for the 7 o'clock news."

"What other features does the Brakeless Car offer?"

"Every model has loosened screws to give the car a more flexible, comfortable drive. That comes standard. Yeah, those screws are barely in there at all. Also, we have installed 100% tinted windows, including the front one, absolutely free."

"This is an outrage! You're mass murderers! You need to be stopped! I'm calling for the American public to take a stand and boycott all Shittpyle cars!"

The interview soon took a grim turn when Indigo's assistant leaped off of the platform with a large blade to defend his boss's honor. Jumanji grew enraged at accusations of being a ass-shit crazy lunatic and began gesturing to his penis furiously. Angry convention-goers stormed the stage and trampled Indigo into a form of matter on the opposite end of solid. Achbung attempted to flee the show via the Brakeless Car. Engineers responsible for this auto-genocider urged Achbung not to do it because it was only a prototype and that even if it was the finished product, it would still be exteremly dangerous. Jumanji ignored the pleas and soared off the stage and across the expansive convention center before plowing into a Burnin' Rubber Condom Co. stand and into the barrels of gasoline located directly behind it. Medics first on the scene described it as "the most horrific thing I've ever seen in my entire life ." and "I had no idea that could happen to an anus."

Meanwhile, recordbreaking pre-order sales of the car have already greatly surpassed all predictions and will be shipped at the end of the month.

1 comment:

  1. If I could ever laugh out loud while reading something this would be it.