Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Horrorscopes

The universe has a plan for us all. Through the alignment of planets and depending on what kind of mood God is in, your destiny can be determined...


And this time, he's pissed.

Aries: Something inside of you is hatching! Kill yourself before it takes control of your brain!

Taurus: Untold wealth is coming your way! Unfortunately, it will pass right by you and be given to your enemies…they will use it to plot your downfall.

Gemini: Your wife is cheating on you with your own child…who she had with another man…who was actually another woman.

Cancer: You will get cancer and lots of it.

Leo: Do not read any horoscopes today or your family will be butchered by an airplane propeller.

Virgo: A long lost love will return to your life…with a gun.

Libra: Your track record for not being anally probed by Martians will end in the near future.

Scorpio: Something you’ve eaten today contained ready-to-hatch scorpion eggs. How do we know? We put them there.

Sagittarius: Your sexuality will take an unexpected, barnyard-themed turn.

Capricorn: We don’t even wanna say what’s gonna happen to you…you poor bastard.

Aquarius: Your lungs will contain significantly
more water at the end of the day.

Pisces: Your life will take an intriguing detour into a brick wall at 70 mph.

All of your lucky numbers are 666. When the moon is full, Lucifer will emerge from his dormant home in all of your souls and use your bodies as vessels for his minions to walk the Earth and carry out his dark deeds...congratulations!

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