Hemophilic Man Gets Paper Cut, Begins Planning Funeral

Jose Rodriguez was dismayed earlier today to see that he had indeed gotten a paper cut on his left index finger whilst flipping through a Burlington Coat Factory catalog. He was looking for a new blazer when he felt a sudden pain, followed by a small stream of blood that began to trickle out of the wound.


Responsible for more deaths than you might think. Second only to JCPenny.

To most, this would be a minor ordeal solved by a simple band-aid, but Jose is a hemophiliac. This disorder means that his blood cannot clot and will continue to bleed indefinitely without proper medical treatment. In recent hours he has been on the phone with a local funeral parlor and cemetery. Doctors have urged Jose to come to the hospital and that his case of hemophilia is not severe at all. “We could fix him up good as new in like, ten minutes. I’m not quite sure why he thinks he’s going to die. It would take weeks for him to die from this wound. And even then he’d probably starve to death before this kills him.” Dr. Franz Lurt said. Mr. Rodriguez admits to being a chronic “giver upper” and often accepts defeat before a challenge is even presented to him. “I’ve lived a good life. I fully accept that this is how I’m meant to die. We all have a destiny and this is mine.” Jose said.

Rodriguez should be his receiving his casket later this week and intends on lying in it until he dies. We will update you on this story whenever that happens…it could be awhile.