Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Wolfman Charged With Indecent Exposure at Pet Store

Think about the worst thing you’ve ever seen? Get it really engrained in your frontal lobe. Drop everything you’re doing and just focus on this one traumatic image that has permanently destroyed your sense of comfort and wellbeing. Got it? Well no matter how many Uncle Frank’s kissing Uncle Harry’s or kittens getting run over by zambonis you’ve seen, that doesn’t stack up to what the employees and customers of Pep’s Pets saw last Thursday.

We can't stress enough just how bad it was.

At 9:37 PM, assistant manager Kyle Heffner reported “Yeah , um Wolfman sort of just stumbled into the store. Now, I’ve never seen a real life monster before, so I was pretty mortified…but then he took off his trench coat.” Witnesses throughout the store began vomiting uncontrollably as Wolfman’s wolfmanhood bounced around in perfect harmony with the manic barking of a recent shipment of Labradors.

Yup, that pretty much says it all.

Authorities showed up on the scene and rock, paper, scissor-ed to see who was going to have to take the naked offender down. Luckily the conflict resolved itself as Wolfman soon grew tired from all of his pelvic thrusting and handed himself over to the authorities. When questioned on his motives for this revolting display of monster genitalia, he responded by saying, “Meh…gotta do something.”

He also went on record saying, "Pffft. Prudes."

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