Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Second Coming of Christ Disappoints Many, Hollywood To Blame

Like it has been said in the scripture and so many awful, but reasonably priced Christian CD compilations, Jesus has indeed risen again. Many of us know of his not so recent run in with the Romans that resulted in him being abducted back to his home planet, Heaven. Due to the sudden influx of “mondo sinning” that we’ve all been doing, Jesus has been forced to return to Earth in an effort to save our dirty, dirty souls.

We don't know what's more of a sin, the fact that this exists or that we're looking at it.

It was foretold that this event would make the ground beneath our feet tremble and the sky would be filled with glorious streams of angelic light that would bring tears to even the crustiest of eyes. Onlookers watched in awe as the clouds parted and their savior triumphantly descended into Times Square. Traffic halted and birds stopped midflight, just to catch a glimpse of the next few moments that would redefine human history and spirituality as we know it. Before they knew it, the moment had passed and Jesus stood before them, in the flesh. Christ was soon barraged with questions, but not the kind he was expecting. It turned out that the vast crowd was not interested in the meaning of life or the end of the world, but rather what kind of special effects Jesus could produce. The general consensus of the crowd was that Jesus’ entrance was lacking in spectacle and overall awesomeness.

Others say that he "peaked early".

One frustrated Christian said, “When I heard Jesus was coming, I was so stoked. I knew it was going to be a good time. But then he just sort of floated down…I see Chris Angel do that kind of thing once a week. Sorry Christ, but levitation is old news. I mean, this guy is supposed to decide whether or not I’m saved or damned and he can’t even ride in on a dragon or knock down a few buildings? I’m sorry, but I just ain’t buying it.” Others cited Avatar and Transformers as being more impressive than Jesus’ lackluster entrance. New religions have been founded in the name of James Cameron and Michael Bay. “I’m really glad I converted,” said one recently baptized Cameronian, “This religion has AT LEAST two times as much 3-D as Christianity.” Jesus has not been available for an interview, but we reached his father, God, for comment. “My son…”sigh”…he just doesn’t really get it, ya know? I’m stuck up here doing paperwork, so I can’t really come down to Earth myself. Sure, I smite a few nations here and there, but for the most part I’ve gotta send Junior down there to handle all this saving souls business. He’s always been…kind of unimaginative. Even with the whole walking on water thing, I mean c’mon. People in this day and age want glitz, glamour, and some bigass, gnarly explosions and hell…Imunna give it to em.” God followed through on his promise and swiftly turned clouds into fire and made volcanoes erupt with robots and aliens, which promptly began battling each other in a display that was, as our infield reporter called it, “Fucking radical.”

Photo deemed too super-cool for public viewing by the National Association of Rockin' Dudes and Gnarly Shit.

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