What do you do every night? After you've downed your second family-sized bucket of triple fried fat crisps, you probably stumble up the stairs in a sodium induced hallucination. After gargling the pre-vomit spit out of your mouth with a healthy splash of Mountain Dew, you slither your way into some grimy footy pajamas. Next thing you know, you're on your knees next to your bed, ready to deliver a major prayer job to the big man himself. You divulge all of your deepest, darkest secrets to him. Your dirty thoughts and your sick obsessions. You beg for guidance, forgiveness, and peace of mind. Little do you know that God is off playing croquet while you are putting yourself at his mercy. In fact, he doesn't even know you're talking to him. So where are your spiritual messages going if not to God? It is more than likely that they are being received by one of the thousands of foreigners that Heaven has contracted to handle prayer-answering.
A recent Strange Times exclusive investigation uncovered this scandal when we all banded together and prayed really hard for a cornucopia of things ranging from money and power to a water fountain that produces a constant stream of chocolate syrup laced with dick-biggening sprinkles. We waited eagerly for days, but to no avail. Sure, we're still generously wealthy, have untold control over the masses, and lug around dongs that would make many towering redwoods envious, but no more so than usual. This led us to only one conclusion...God didn't hear us. Somewhere along the line, our prayers were lost in translation.
We think we made it pretty clear with our letter.
We are not the only ones who have suffered from this ordeal. Lee Hucho, a longtime believer in all things divine, prayed to God for months to lead his favorite football team to victory. But when the entire team came down with a mysterious case of Gator-AIDS, Hucho began questioning whether or not the man upstairs was doing his job or simply pawning it off on someone else. "I thought the whole point of this religion deal was to get stuff in return," said Lee, "I started going to mass every Sunday and didn't get so much as a free t-shirt. I even quit whacking off because they promised me God would reward me, but so far I haven't seen jack shit come my way." Hucho was unable to give the rest of his testimony because he claimed he had "a lot of pud-pulling to catch up on."
After several minutes of intensive research, we were able to develop a method for tracking prayers. It was pretty simple really. And where did our prayers lead us? We wish it was as easy as finding the country responsible and bombing the everliving fuck out of it, but unfortunately the world does not work that way, readers. Our prayers led us from Toledo to Taiwan, from Boise to Bangkok. Hundreds of call centers have been set up across the globe to help with God's workload. Single mothers, underprivileged children from third world countries, and poor college students with worthless business degreess have been hired to work as Heaven's assistants.
He is your god now. Also, he offers fantastic rates on auto insurance.
We managed to infiltrate one of the call centers in an effort to understand this deception. We blended in, acted natural, and savagely attacked random employees in the bathroom until someone finally coughed up the truth. One young man, Jahood Bumpile, has been working at the India branch for nearly a year and was brave enough to come forward and speak out against this mass betrayal of Christians. "This has been going on a lot longer than anyone knows. This kind of work isn't meant for humans. It's just not natural. Just today we've gotten over 1,500 prayers asking for new assholes that aren't as brown...and it's not even lunch yet. Most of the time we just send them a fruit basket and that seems to keep people happy...What else do you want to know? Please, just don't hit me anymore." Jahood was let go from the company later that day.
They immediately revoked his elevator privileges.
Since our discovery, we have sent a stern prayer to God, informing him that we have many bones to pick with him...also that we all want puppies for Christmas and a trip to Disneyland. He has yet to respond.
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