Prom Bungle Result of DJ's Costly Mistake

Prom is typically a night of spiked punch, regrets to-be-made, and a mediocre music selection, but for Porkchup High School, the night was thumping to an entirely different tune.  The drastically overpriced dresses had been purchased, the ill-fitting tuxes had been rented, and the pre-Prom chubs had been worked up by all the young lads hoping for some action.

River Chub: Nature's Half-Boner

Local Man Can Only Play Video Games On Easy

There comes times when we must challenge ourselves.  We must look deep inside ourselves and muster up the inner strength to overcome whatever obstacle lie ahead.  This can lead us to some shocking realizations about ourselves and how we react under pressure.  One man, Xavier Tarund, already knows these things about himself.  This is why Xavier can only play video games on the Easy difficulty.

"What do you expect me to do?!  Block that little ball with that line?  I'm not a miracle worker, Brad!"

Hitmans Hires Self To Commit Suicide

At roughly 7:32 yesterday evening in El Paso, Anthony Salahmi was found dead behind the dumpster of Don Wan's Chinese buffet.  Employees of the restaurant said they heard a ruckus outside and shortly after, a single gunshot.  "I ran outside to see what happened," explained busboy Chow Chin.  "I walk out the door and there he is, bleeding out of his face hole, all over the alley just after I hosed it out.  I didn't see or hear anyone running away, which I thought was weird at the time, but then I had to cook some eggrolls or wontons, some shit like that.  I guess I just sorta forgot about it until the cops showed up."

An unsupervised ruckus can end in disaster...or an orgy.

Telemarketer Racked With Guilt After Interrupting Dinner

Telephone salespeople are a lot like assholes...everyone has to deal with their shit at some point.  Also, most of the time they're just fucking assholes.  However, there is one telemarketer with honest intentions.  One saleperson with no gimmick, rigamarole, or hidden agenda.  Just some fucking guy trying to sell some fucking thing.  That man is Unf Whoomp.

Unf is neither of these two men.

Local Man Loses Asshole Virginity

From time to time, many of us find ourselves practicing basic personal hygiene.  Whether it be a bath, a shower, or simply hosing ourselves off with our own urine, we all need to spend a little time alone, scraping mystery crud off of our bodies.  These moments of solitary cleaning can reveal some startling things about ourselves and drive us to great lengths to correct these shortcomings.  For one man, it involved diving a little deeper to someplace a little smellier.

Nope, not here.

Serial Killer Promises To Probably Never Do It Again

San Antonio, TX-The sounds of celebration can be heard throughout Tejha Penitentiary today after the parole board's decision to finally grant freedom to notorious serial killer, Dwayne "Goo-Face" Grum.  Inmates, guards, and even the warden joined in the festivities to say farewell to the longtime deathrow resident.

Celebrate good times, c'mon!

Overturned Yogurt Truck In Strawberry Field Remains Unmoved

At 3:17pm yesterday afternoon, a delivery truck for Yoplait jack-knifed and overturned along Route 44.  This accident caused several thousand gallons of plain vanilla yogurt to spill out of the truck and down a nearby slope in a thickened dairy avalanche.  Traffic was forced to a complete halt and emergency vehicles soon arrived on the scene.  "This is the worst yogurt spill I've seen in my time on the force," said Deputy Cheb.  "And I was right smack dab in the middle of that whole Go-Gurt massacre."

Yogurt in a tube?  BLASPHEMY!

Local Man Diagnosed With Hulkamania

Late last night, Garret Jumbrow was rushed to St. John Popper's Memorial Hospital's intensive care unit.  He was complaning of intense chest pains, skin discoloration that mimicked that of a hot dog, and an insatiable desire for a serious smackdown.  "The symptoms Mr. Jumbrow is exhibiting are textbook examples of late-stage Hulkamania," explained Garret's physician, Dr. Poop.  "It's a damn shame we didn't catch it sooner.  We could have suplexed that sucker right out of Garret, but now, unfortunately, it has spread to his lymph nodes and well...there's not much hope for him.  All we can do is pray that Suburban Commando isn't on cable this week."

A typical day in the life of the Hulkster.

Medical Breakthrough Debunks Fruit-Related Myth

"An apple a day keeps the doctor away".  This commonplace advice has been around for years and years in order to get children to eat their fruit.  Recent news has proved this to be untrue as extensive testing revealed the dangers of overconsumption of apples.  "Two apples a day, that'll give ya a mean case of Dick Cancer," explained Dr. Henry Lawlin, the leading physician at the Medical Center of Medicinal Medicine in Austin, Texas.  "Three?  Well if you're going around eating three apples, you won't have to worry about the side effects because you'll be dead.  Yup.  Dead as shit."

Evil has a new face, but it's not a face...it's a peel...or like, weird fruit-skin stuff.  It doesn't matter, just don't eat apples anymore, okay?

Local Man Feels Betrayed By VHS Tape

While "just browsing" at his local thrift store, Todd Barley decided to pick up a VHS tape for the irresistibly low price of $1.00.  The film was Bob Uecker's Fun Moments In Sports.  "I couldn't resist," said Todd.  "Just a buck for all that sports-related fun.  What a deal."  Fun Moments In Sports had sat untouched for many months on the bargain shelf, but employees were relieved to see it go.  "At one point, I thought I was going to have to buy it just to get the damn thing out of here," confessed a young volunteer who works primarily in trying to get the "piss and death" smell out of the clothes that people donate.  "I'm really glad that tape finally found a home."

We're laughing already.

Humanity Given Do or Die Scenario, Chooses Death

The future is uncertain, that much is certain.  Well, for you guys anyway.  Strange Times is lucky enough to have an entire squadron of fortune telling gypsies at our disposal.  We were bored the other day so we decided to get a play by play on how the world is going to end.  Ya know, for fun.  What we discovered is that the world will indeed be ending in 2012 and mimics the film, 2012, quite accurately...except for one blaring difference.  Nobody survives.  Intrigued? Read more!

These three?  Oh yeah, they definitely die.  Especially that little girl.  She gets it the worst.

Authorities On Statewide Hunt For Man That Recently Got A Hair Cut

CHICAGO, IL-Area officials have ordered all available officers in the state to drop what they are doing and turn their attention to a man responsible for a grave criminal offense.  At 3:30pm yesterday afternoon, mattress shop owner, P.C. Batter reported a "freshly groomed man" entering his store.  "Just by taking one look at him," described Batter.  "I could tell this guy was bad news.  His side burns were way too sharp and he didn't have any neck scruff.  Like...none at all."  After milling about for several minutes and pressing his palms down on Batter's wide selection of mattresses, the man selected one that was not too firm nor too soft.  "Ah, yeah.  The Sleepmaster 450.  That's one hell of a model," said Tommy Rogers, a shopper who was at the store at the time of the incident.  "I'd love to be laying down on one of those every night, but not on my salary.  Nah, that's a real luxury bed.  Whoever this guy is, he's got good taste."

A fine mattress is like a fine wine covered in dead skin cells and dried ejaculate.

Conga Line Started Behind Unwilling Man

At 7pm yesterday evening, Tim Shawfer met Tanya Scott for ice skating on their first date.  After miscalculating the humor derived from the fact that they have the same initials, Tim attempted to salvage the evening by wooing Ms. Scott with a superb display of ice skating mastery.  For the first hour, Tim was seen skating backwards while talking, bending down until his ass nearly touched the ice, and performing other acts of moderate difficulty.  Their date ended abruptly when a man hooked his index finger through Tim's belt loop.  Soon, other skaters followed this trend, creating a 14 person conga line behind Tim.  "It all happened so fast," said Tim.  "I didn't want to be part of that kind of thing, but they gave me no choice."  Tim, rather than denying his new responsibility as Conga Leader, embraced the experience.  "It actually turned out to be a lot of fun.  After two or three songs, the group sort of lost interest, but the good-smelling guy behind me kept clinging on tightly. His name is Troy. He sells real estate.  We're going back tomorrow night."

Something you will never see in a conga line: A black guy.

Tanya, unable to handle the awkwardness of the situation, left the ice rink with a mysterious man in a trench coat, claiming that "anything was better than staying there."  She has not been heard from since.  If you have any information that may lead to her whereabouts, take them and shove them right up your fucking ass.

Office Pizza Party Is The Best One Yet

You may be aware Johnson and Juhnstan Insurance from their commercials. Since a few years ago, they have been delivering automobile, house, life, and botched penis surgery insurance.  They pride themselves in their low, low rates, their rewards for safe driving, and their bi-monthly pizza parties that "really blow the lid off of the office."

"So I says to the guy...nothing because I had his dick in my mouth.  Hm, how 'bout this 'za?"

Local Man Will Believe It When He Sees It

This afternoon during their lunch break, William Rumpler divulged something to Elliot Pugloe to which Elliot could only respond with "nu-uh".  Rumpler made the claim that he had once put an entire package of bologna on one sandwich.  "There's no way," said an unbelieving Pugloe.  "That's just...way too much bologna for one sandwich.  No one in their right mind would ever do that.  I've know Will for a long time and there's no chance he'd do something that reckless."

4 slices?  Boy, you gotta death wish.

Grape Under Fridge Causes Family Tragedy, Brings Community Together

Earlier today when packing her son's lunch, Sue Pooh accidentally dropped a grape on the floor, which then, due to the spherical shape of the fruit, rolled beneath the fridge.  "My heart just stopped," said the distressed housewife.  "The first thing I thought when we got this fridge was that there wasn't enough space to fit my hand underneath it, but we took a gamble and well...we're paying for it now."

Choose wisely.

Man Announces To Officially "Keep His Grubby Paws Off Himself" For The Next Two Weeks

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Local Man Can't Imagine What It'd Be Like To Be Really Fat

Last Thursday evening, Nicholas Frep was watching television with his brother-in-law, Doug.  They were watching the new hit cable series, A Truck: I Weigh As Much As One, a show documenting the everyday struggles of several tremendous human beings.  During a commercial break after the opening credits, Doug leaned over to Nicholas and asked, "Jesus, can you imagine being that fat?"  Nicholas thought for a moment and realized that he could not.  "I've never been in fantastic shape," said Frep.  "But I'm not overweight or anything like that.  I've been doing a few crunches every morning and trying to cut back on the junk food.  I just can't imagine what it'd be like to be obese."  In the show, a 900 pound man was introduced who hadn't left his bed for months because he had gotten too heavy to walk.  "Why didn't he stop eating?" questioned Frep.  "Like...I don't know.  I like food, but if I miss breakfast it's not a huge deal."

Nicholas spent the next 43 minutes of the episode contemplating his own physique in total silence.  "I was just trying to start a conversation," said Doug.  "Me and Nick don't talk too much.  I thought it was a pretty straight forward question, but I guess I never really imagined it either.  Being extremely overweight would probably be sweatier, but you know...I don't really know."  After the show ended, Nicholas excused himself from the living room.  Doug, having prior engagements to go out to dinner with his wife, let himself out through the front door, but not before catching a glimpse of Nicholas in the upstairs bathroom strapping a pillow to his stomach with a belt.  Doug said nothing.  Not even goodbye.

"I want to understand," said Frep.

Hell's New Punishment Deal Good For Most

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Local Man's Financial Dilemma

The economy is in the toilet, that much is certain.  Stocks, mortgages, and tax breaks are all...fucked up.  Uh...we need more bailouts too.  Or less of them.  And...um...the national treasury is being depleted by left wing conservative moderate socialists who are trying to use the Constitution to mop up after their circle-jerks.  What we're trying to say is that no one can possibly understand the government, not even the people running it.  Anyone who says they know something about anything is guaranteed to be 100% full of shit.

We may not know much, but we know that this means something sucky is happening.

Hassle Addict Reaches Breaking Point

Late week, Benji Towne, totally lost his gord.  For Benji's entire life, he has loved hassles.  He loves being hassled and he loves hassling others.  Basically, he just likes making life more difficult for himself and everyone around him.

He has cited David Hasselhoff as his role model because "No one else has a name with Hassle in it...I guess he spells it Hassel, but I'll take what I can get."

30-Second Headache Medicine

The latest headache relief medicine on the market has been pulled from shelves all across America in the largest recall since the Great Poopsicle Scare of '76 (yes, Poopsicle).  It turns out that the drug advertised as 30-second headache relief does not actually cure headaches in 30 seconds, but rather only cures headaches for 30 seconds.

"Ahhh, finally my headache is...wait, fuck.  It's back again."

Cop Comes Out of Retirement to Bust Pot Smokers

Yesterday afternoon, Phil Warren, a retired police officer, was grocery shopping with his wife.  Warren had been on the force for nearly 50 years before they forced him to retire because by that point they just couldn't pay for his Ben-Gay addiction anymore.  Warren had been a hero in his prime.  Taking down perps, following leads, and doing other things that movies have told us police officers do.  He is most known for his 1978 Drug Bust that led to the recovery of sixteen tons of stolen Viagra.  That was a hard year for everyone...HEYOOO!

"You have the right to remain erect.  Also, remember what time it is because I've been lugging this thing around for awhile now and I'm starting to get worried about that whole 4-hour boner thing."

X-ray Glasses See Through Existence

Recently, a man, one Victor Glimp, bought a pair of X-ray glasses from Laughski McLoaf's Joke and Prank Emporium.  Glimp bought the glasses since he had already bought many products from McLoaf's, including his prosthetic penis, which has more than paid for itself in laughs alone.

Yup, now you've seen a prosthetic penis...congratulations.