Headless Horseman Found Dead in Park, Every Teenager in the World Under Investigation

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Haunted House Reprimanded For Being "Too Fucking Scary"

There are so many ways to honor Halloween.  You can put on a spooky mask, watch a spooky movie, or visit Cisco's Spook House and get the spook scared out of you and onto your underwear.  Cisco's is...or was the longest running haunted house in the country until it was closed down last week.  No one is sure if it will reopen next Halloween or ever again.

It looks like we're just gonna have to find another way to get our "spook" out.

"Scanners" Exploding-Head Guy Becomes New "Face" of Tylenol

Kid screaming in the backseat?  Wife nagging about unpaid bills?  Captors clobbering you in the head with a claw hammer?  If so, you've probably got a pretty splitting headache.  And if not, it means you're deader than a doorknob.

When will this massacre end.

Cenobite Party Runs For Office In 2012 Presidential Election

In 1987, Clive Barker wrote and directed Hellraiser, a movie based off his own book, "The Hellbound Heart".  The film followed Pinhead and his band of Cenobites and how they are light years more badass than Jason, Freddy, or Michael.  These sadists (or saviors, depending on how you look at it) reach our Earth via the Lament Configuration a.k.a. the Puzzle Box.  Their goal?  To bring a combination of pain and pleasure to the person who summons them.

Also, to look fucking awesome in S&M gear.

Local Dude Claims He's Not Gay

Andrew Efflump wore a pink shirt several months ago.  When jokes began that only men of the homosexual persuasion wore pink, he responded by saying, "I'm just secure enough with my masculinity to wear pink shirts."  Friends accepted this logic, but were left guessing when Andrew began wearing assless chaps.  When confronted, Andrew again claimed that since he was so comfortable with how "not-gay" he was, wearing leather bondage gear did not make him gay.  Those who knew Andrew closely dismissed his odd behavior, but were forced to yet again question his sexuality when he began publicly kissing men and having anonymous group sex at widely known gay clubs across the city.  Andrew's loved ones sat him down and explained to him that it's perfectly natural and they will support him in any way that he needs.  Andrew became overwhelmed with fury and punched the wall, but then grew concerned that he may have chipped one of his recently manicured fingernails.  "I don't get why everyone is calling me gay.  Just because I have sex with dudes basically every day of my life, that does not make me gay.  It's just that I'm so unbelievably straight that it doesn't matter if I have sex with dudes 100% more than I have sex with chicks...I'm still straight.  I feel sorry for some guys that are insecure."  When the theory that he may be bi-sexual was presented to him, he said, "No way!  I'd never fuck a cat!".

When asked what this picture looked like, Andrew was convinced it was "just two friends playing Lip-Touchies".

It appears there are a lot of things Mr. Efflump isn't quite clear about and we sure as shitfuck aren't going to be the ones to explain them to him.

Man Sells Lifelong Collection! Sort of.

It may sound morbid, but Strange Times finds that the largest nuggets of comedic gold often come from downtrodden men whose luck is so down that it's nearing the region of becoming a truck stop cliché.  We don't know why, but there is nothing quite as funny as shattered hopes and crippled dreams that are dying in an alley with no one but the roaches to give the eulogy...except maybe that one movie with the talking dog.

Nope, this is much funnier.

Shopper Heroically Survives Weeklong Ordeal

This morning spelled relief for local shopper, Crisp Latch, after a weeklong struggle that tested will to survive.  A week ago, Crisp was grocery shopping at Floor-Mart, where the prices are dirt cheap and the floors are, well...just covered in dirt.  Latch admits to straying from his list a little bit because the deals on latex gloves were "just too good to pass up".  There was a brief discrepancy between Crisp and the clerk at the checkout counter regarding the expiration date of a coupon.  They eventually agreed that the coupon was indeed still valid and that the 8 had just been smudged to look like a 3.  Satisfied with his extreme shopping savvy, he exited the store.  Struggling to push his cart, Crisp wondered if he really needed the five dozen TV dinners with fake vaginas built into the boxes.

He decided that it was a necessary purchase.

Strange Times' Interview With College of DuPage's Courier: The One They Didn't Publish

Recently, Strange Times' own bossman, Tom Orr, met with a staff member from College of DuPage's The Courier.  The Courier is a weekly newspaper that is seen circulating campus, lining birds' nests, and protecting hoboes' feet from the elements.  They caught wind of Strange Times and needless to say, they were begging for an interview.  Now, Mr. Orr typically does not reduce himself down to the level of commoners, but after a fair amount of groveling, pleading, and interview-earning rimjobs...he accepted, but only if it was on his terms.  He demanded to know how big the interviewer's penis was beforehand, "just to know where he stands"...they didn't tell us, but Orr followed through with the interview anyway.  He was walking on the proverbial sunshine after the interview, claiming that the article would finally break down the barriers between monsters and humans.  He went on to say that this was just the kind of publicity Strange Times needed to get our "Bill for Ghoul Equality" sent to Congress.  To our dismay, The Courier hit stands this morning with a fluff piece.  A mere quarter page in the Arts & Entertainment section.  Needless to say, we were outraged.  They referred to Orr as a "fresh man" at College of DuPage, which we can only assume means "simpleton idiot".  Talk of monster discrimination and the desperate need to renovate our sewers for better living conditions for C.H.U.D., was kept to a minimum, meaning they didn't put it in the article at all.  Strange Times is currently filing a lawsuit, but can't seem to find a lawyer willing to support us.  We've been told with all the crimes we have committed that we should count our lucky stars that we aren't in the electric chair, but we aren't satisfied.  The Courier avoided the truth and darted away from Orr's questions as quickly as a grizzly bear BJ can turn into a "nubbening".

High School Student Suffers Due To Penis Being "Too Big"

Everyone remembers high school for the insecure, overly dramatic, awkward shit-pit that it is.  Parties came and went without your attendance and the Kleenex company's profits soared because of your bouts of late night, self exploration. Kyle Burne, however, is forced to cope with a very different issue every single day of his teenaged life.  "My penis is just too big," he confesses.

AHAHA!  GET IT?!  BECAUSE ANOTHER NAME FOR ROOSTER IS...forget it.

Anti-Gay Marriage Activist's New Platform Gets Conservatives "Really Boned Up"

The battle for Gay Rights has been raging on for years and shows no signs of ending.  Harvey Milk, Johnny Cookie, and countless others have given up their careers, reputation, safety, and even lives for this cause.  Despite the outpouring of support gained over the years, ignorance and intolerance have continued to trump all progress.  The equality and fair treatment of homosexuals is something that is held very near and dear to Strange Times' heart.  The same cannot be said for major league fucknut, Troy Killian.  In 2006, Killian attempted to pass a bill that required schools to teach "fag, dyke, and homo" as vocabulary words in elementary English class.  He gained momentum with his book Gays: And Why I Don't Like 'Em, where he repeatedly calls members of the gay community "icky".  Most recently, though, Killian has been railing against gay and lesbian marriage with a new platform.

"Children with gay or lesbian parents will be deprived of Yo Mama jokes.  Yo Mama jokes are crucial part in a child's development and I think it would be irresponsible to take that away from them.  For example, if a child has two fathers, fellow students will be hesitant to make a Yo Mama joke because that the runs the risk of sounding downright silly if the child technically has no "Mama".  The same goes for a child with two mothers.  You may be thinking that with two female parents, the Yo Mama jokes would double in frequency, but that is simply not the case.  The child's peers may very well tell Yo Mama jokes at first, but there will likely be confusion as to what "Mama" the joke is aimed at.  Clarifying the uncertainty of the joke's intentional target will prove to be too much work for children and they will give up telling Yo Mama jokes entirely.  These jokes have been a staple in American culture for decades and taking them away will be detrimental to our nation's youth."

Fellow conservatives and homophobes praised the ingenuity of the argument.  Republican Senator, Michael Pentuppe, called Killian, "A freedom fighter and a patriot.  He's such a brilliant man.  He's got a great head of hair.  I hear he works out.  God I wanna suck his cock...I mean...I didn't mean...oh shit." 

Strange Times entire staff is planning a field trip to Killian's home in the suburbs just as soon as our shipment of lead pipes and baseball bats is delivered.

Giant Sand Worms Impede Volleyball Tournament

Nothing spells fun in the sun quite like balls on the beach.  The Phillips' County Women's Volleyball Club inteneded on defending their title as Conference Champions this Sunday, but has been delayed due to a sudden infestation of pesky man-eating worms.  These enormous sand worms are thought to have come up due to last week's recordbreaking rainfall.

This, but fucking huge.

Carnival Ends In Tragedy For Rural Family

Carnival attendees joined in mourning today after tragedy befell the Smitchsons yesterday while they were attending the annual Fall Family-Fun Festival in Lipps County.  Mr. and Mrs. Smitchson, Wes and Doloris, decided to take their only child, 12-year-old Jack, to the festival for a day of good clean fun.  Jack had been getting into a variety of "dirty fun" lately and this excursion was meant to bring the family closer together.

A breeding ground for disaster and STDs

Trouble began when Wes could not find a place to park.  City council had sectioned off the empty 3-acre lot across the street for parking, but it proved to be "slightly too small".  Rumor has it that Wes honked more than once at a man whom he thought was pulling out of his spot, but then decided not to.  "I came pretty early in the morning, so I could set up a few lawn chairs for the parade," explained the man. "After a few hours, I had breathed in a lot of exhaust fumes from the Tilt-A-Whirl and thought I should go home.  I got in my car, but then I was feeling a lot better, so I wasn't sure if I wanted to go home.  There was a Duran Duran tribute band I wanted to catch a little bit later."  

Meteor Threatens To Destroy Earth! Don't Worry, It Gets Better.

Think of all of the world's problems.  You can't think of any?  Are your eyes open?  They aren't?  Well, open 'em up, you fuckin' jagaloon.  There!  Now do you see?!  Now do you see the horrifying cess pool of despair that you've been wallowing around in?  Good.  Because it's all about to end.  We're going to make this brief because we have a lot of plundering and pillaging to catch up on before we're all destroyed.

"These deals are faaantastic!  It's almost like they're just giving this shit away!"

Couple Deems "Uncle Buck" A Classic

Yesterday was Fred and Tanya Murphy's weekly movie night.  Fred, being a lover of late 80's-early 90's comedies, decided to pick up Uncle Buck from their local video store.  Prior to last night, he had been told it was a classic, but he was skeptical.  Before viewing the film, Fred said "I'm not so sure.  I mean, John Candy is great and all...but as a wacky uncle caring for his brother's kids?  I just can't see that being funny."  Tanya's sister, Lisa, has seen Uncle Buck several times in the past and "couldn't believe" Fred and Tanya hadn't seen it.  "There's this scene with a pancake," Lisa told the couple.  "I can't even describe it.  It's hilarious.  I still can't believe you two haven't seen it."

Candy was named after John Candy.  Also, we imagine he smelled like Jujubes.

Upon watching the film, the Murphys were pleasantly surprised.  Tanya thought it was "sweet, sincere, and made me laugh."  Fred described his favorite scene, "When he punched the clown, I may or may not have choked on a piece of popcorn.  I rewound it and watched that part again."  Next week, the couple plans on watching Ferris Bueller's Day Off , but Fred doesn't know if it can live up to the hype.  "Okay, I'll admit I was wrong about Uncle Buck, but a movie about a kid skipping school...there's no way that's funny."

Death Rate of Douchebags Spikes, Grim Reaper Explains

Have you noticed lately that there aren't nearly as many fuckfaces roaming the streets? If you haven't, it's probably because you're one of them and you should expect to be killed very soon.  You may be saying to yourself, "No way bro.  I'll never die."  And with that, you're further enforcing our point.

The National Mortality Report was released over the weekend and has come out with some surprising statistics.  Evidently, tremendous assholes have shifted into first place regarding death rates.  Since the new year began, they have been dying in greater numbers and in rapid succession, often under mysterious circumstance. These unexplained deaths cannot be pinned to one specific group, but appear to target many cliques of various levels of douchebaggery.  The list includes Dumbasses, Smartasses, Indie Hipster Fuckbags, Frat Boy Meatheads, Cocksuckers, Shitheads, Shitdicks, Dickheads, Dickshits, Dicknoses, and is getting longer by the minute.

This guy has been killed so many times already.

New Educational Reform Vows To Make Smart Kids Smarter and Dumb Kids Stronger

Evolution is a beautiful thing.  From the dawn of life in the form of primordial slop to the upright walking piles of technologically advanced slop.  Over the years we've shed our furry coats, become sexier, and grown more streamlined.  The human race can only go up from here, people.

Or have we already achieved perfection?

Man Makes Voice Higher By Inhaling Helium, Laughs Are Had

Groundbreaking strides were made in comedy yesterday at Stacey Harris’ birthday party.  Stacey is a secretary at Smith and Smithe Accounting Firm and pizza, soda, and cake were served to mark her 28^th birthday.  Josh Duef, the office funnyman, took it upon himself to remove a balloon its string, poke a small hole near the bottom using a plastic fork, and breathe the helium deep into his lungs.  Then, magic happened.  Josh’s voice rose several octaves, mimicking that of a chipmunk.  Laughs were countless and knees were slapped until raw and chafed.  The boss gave him a raise on the spot because the ingenuity of the gag.  “It was so funny,” said R&D Supervisor Richard Quinn.  “He sounded like some kind of crazy baby or a cartoon bird or something.  That’s just like Josh.  Classic.”  Josh continued to empty balloon after balloon of their contents, but soon ran out of things to say with a high-pitched voice.  “Yeah, at first it was great, but then he started quoting "Mein Kampf" and making claims about Oprah owning slaves.  After that it sort of got really uncool.”  Duef has officially come out saying that he is hanging up his career as the workplace clown, making it the shortest-lived career of a comedian since Carlos Mencia…HEYOOO!

Middle School Student Sacrifices Dog To Volcano. Still Fails English Test.

7^th grade student, Francine Regahl, has been nervous about her test in Mrs. Heely’s English class for the past four days.  Despite the stress, Francine did not study even for a brief moment.  Instead, she brought her Miniature Schnauzer, Chopski, to Mount Vesuvius and dropped him in.  She hoped to please the gods with this offering so that they would grant her a passing grade on her test.  If she got a B, her mom promised to by her she would buy her a new “super cute” blouse.  The sacrifice was ineffective as Francine still received a 31% on the test.  “Mrs. Heely is such a bitch.  She only gave me that grade because she obviously hates me.  Only ugly people use pronouns anyway.”  The volcano has since erupted, killing thousands and leaving many more without a single worldly possession.  Survivors pin the blame solely on Francine and are begging her to pray for their salvation.  She responded with a resounding “Ew. Those people don't even have houses.”

Cold Sore Causes Mild Inconvenience

Geoffery Alapeachya has just realized a cold sore is forming on the right side of his upper lip.  He first grew aware of the oncoming ailment while taking a shower.  He was exfoliating his face when he felt a minor sting near his mouth.  It is only slightly tender to the touch, but guarantees to get more painful as the day goes on.  Chapstick has been considered, but he doesn’t know if that helps.  Reminders have been abundant from friends and family urging him not to touch it, but he has continued to fondle the bump.  “This is just not a good day for this.  I’ve got a meeting in a few hours and even though you can’t see the cold sore yet, I know I’m going to be thinking about it.”  Geoffery is bracing himself for lunch with his co-worker, Jerry, who will almost positively crack a joke about Herpes.  Also, he will more than likely make a witty observation about his ranch dressing looking like human semen.

3-Legged Race Regional Champions Undergo Drastic Surgery

Chet and Brett Habieber are known across several counties as the undefeated kings of picnic games.  Over the summer, Chet completed a triatholon while carrying an egg on a spoon.  Every morning for breakfast, Brett competes in a pie-eating contest and wins 1^st place.  The duo is most known for their dominating skill in the three-legged race.   They got their starts crashing family reunions and children’s birthday parties, but have since entered the big leagues by become top players in the Olympicnics.  However, their success is not all dildos and cream cheese.  The team of two were gracious enough to share their wise advice with us...“You gotta be quick, you gotta be strong, but above all, you gotta be smart.  And this ain’t the kind of stuff you can learn overnight.  No Sir-ee Bob.  You have to be born with the knowledge and the skill to become a picnic warrior.  If you don’t have that natural talent, just quit man.  Just give up now and save yourself the embarrassment.”

Geologist Finds New Mineral Along Expressway

Geologist Frank Raspie was sweating last week.  Not from working out, not from an awkward first date, and not even from vigorously masturbating...well, maybe there was some of that thrown in.  The main reason for his perspiration was the sheer pants-shittingly exciting excitement surrounding his most recent discovery.

This, but with shit.  Also, geology.

Depressed Filmmaker Sabotages His Own Film

Cinema is a beloved pastime around the globe.  It grants people a temporary exit from the dick-shrivelingly awful reality that is their lives.  There are no bills, no divorces, and no stepchildren with red hair who can't seem to grasp the concept that they need to put a clippy-thing on the open cereal pouch or else cockroaches will lay their eggs in your Honey Bunches of Oats. In movies, you can hop on the back of a majestic unicorn or uphold justice with a time-traveling cop.  Only in the movies, though.  Don't forget that.  If you try and pull that shit in real life, you'll end up ass-deep in a mental hospital, prison, or dead...or all three.

Also known as a "Charlie Manson".  What's that?  He's still alive?  Oh shit.

Small Town Artist Paints Masterpiece, But Won't Show It To Anyone

David Juluhpsie was inspired at a young age to pursue art in all of its forms.  Whether it be water colors, pastels, clay sculpting, or hurling his own shit at a blank canvas, David considers himself a master of all mediums.  He reached marginal fame with a photograph collection of his pets that was shown at his local community center's art fair.  Also, he won a coloring contest in 2006, but later had the award revoked on the grounds that he used a modified crayon to automatically color inside the lines.  

If your child colors like this, they are a dirty fucking little cheater.

A Guide to Women and How to Capture Them...And Their Hearts

Although Strange Times comes across as a lone organ pumping out foot after foot of moist, steaming news, believe it or not we are actually composed of many different writers from radically different backgrounds.  Men, women, children, hell we've even got a few dogs working around the office.  It is an honor for us to present the first of what we hope to be many independent articles written by some of the more colorful members of our staff.  First up is Elliot Fancifest. Elliot has been with us from the very beginning.  Despite a rocky start working as a janitor in our "Adopt-A-Death-Row-Inmate" program, he slowly worked, stabbed, and gouged his way to the top to become one of our most promising advice columnists.  He specializes in all things love oriented.  It doesn't matter what race or species you are.  It doesn't even matter if you have a pulse.  Elliot will get you the significant other of your dreams...by any means necessary.

WOMEN: Nature's Tastiest Treat! 

Hi there folks!  Elliot Fancifest here, or "The Love Spider" as many call me because of my ability to capture women in my web of charm and turn their guts into liquid with my venomous love acid.  I'm here to tell you a little bit about romance.  Romance is truly the spice of life, located right next to your oregano, cumin, and the methamphetamines that you sprinkle on basically everything.  Although rewarding, romancing the opposite gender is an art form that requires years of practice and a tireless work ethic.  It's not only about breaking down mental barriers, but building yourself up physically to cope with the strains that women can put on you.  Just last week, I sprained my ankle whilst chasing a girl through the forest, but more on that later.  What you must remember is that women are not so complicated.  If you give them gifts, they will be pleased.  If you give them diseases, they will be disappointed.  Just like any other creature in nature, if you wound them...they will bleed...mmm oh yes.

You may be wondering to yourself how you, a feeble, shriveled, fetus of a man can ever become a supreme woman-tamer like yours truly.  Sure, it is improbable that you will be become as virile as I, but not impossible.  Why, nothing is impossible with enough fishing wire and sedatives.  Remember that.  There's a quiz at the end of this.  That is just one of the many tips I will be discussing with you today.  Now listen up my sexually frustrated, underlying homicidal-maniac friend and before you know it you will be getting so many chicks that you'll run out of places in your house to store them.

You're going to want to invest in a room like this.

God Guilty Of Outsourcing Prayers

What do you do every night?  After you've downed your second family-sized bucket of triple fried fat crisps, you probably stumble up the stairs in a sodium induced hallucination.  After gargling the pre-vomit spit out of your mouth with a healthy splash of Mountain Dew, you slither your way into some grimy footy pajamas.  Next thing you know, you're on your knees next to your bed, ready to deliver a major prayer job to the big man himself.  You divulge all of your deepest, darkest secrets to him. Your dirty thoughts and your sick obsessions.  You beg for guidance, forgiveness, and peace of mind.  Little do you know that God is off playing croquet while you are putting yourself at his mercy. In fact, he doesn't even know you're talking to him. So where are your spiritual messages going if not to God?  It is more than likely that they are being received by one of the thousands of foreigners that Heaven has contracted to handle prayer-answering.

If only...if only.