Sunday, October 24, 2010

Cenobite Party Runs For Office In 2012 Presidential Election

In 1987, Clive Barker wrote and directed Hellraiser, a movie based off his own book, "The Hellbound Heart".  The film followed Pinhead and his band of Cenobites and how they are light years more badass than Jason, Freddy, or Michael.  These sadists (or saviors, depending on how you look at it) reach our Earth via the Lament Configuration a.k.a. the Puzzle Box.  Their goal?  To bring a combination of pain and pleasure to the person who summons them.

Also, to look fucking awesome in S&M gear.

The original film spawned seven sequels and there is a reboot on the way.  Little do people know that these films are not works of fiction, but rather campaign ads for the Cenobite Party.  The Cenos have managed to deal with a changing world and transition smoothly into the 21st century.  This is an impressive feat given that they've been around for hundreds of years, but still they maintain an unshakeable modern fashion sense. 

Here we see Butterball rocking a sweet pair of Ray-Bans. Niceee.

It is for these reasons that the Cenobite Party is campaigning extra vigilantly for the upcoming presidential election.  They have chosen Pinhead to run for President of the United States and if we can be completely honest...we are stoked.  Strange Times are diehard fans of the Cenos and we would love to see them seize control of this country (via meathooks) and guide in the right direction.

Shown: Balancing the budget.

Other politcal parties have not been so supportive.  Republican Senator George Mauf expressed his concerns, "How can we have these...demons in the White House?  It's not only immoral, it's downright unamerican.  Pinhead is not a United States citizen and I'm not entirely convinced that he's even a human being."  Mauf intended on presenting his argument in Congress this week, but was mysteriously, and oh so painfully, dragged to the bowels of Hell over the long weekend.

The Green Party was also offended at news of the Cenos running for office because it quote, "Gives Americans another way to waste their votes other than on us."

Young, Anti-War, thick-rimmed glasses wearing voters can't say enough good things about Pinhead and all that he stands for.  These self-proclaimed politically-aware rapscallions have helped out the Ceno cause by slapping bumper stickers on their Hybrids (Pussy-Mobiles) and wearing trendy t-shirts that say...well it doesn't really matter what they say because they just look so darn cool.  Local hip kid, after taking several minutes to make his hair look the right amount of messy, said, "Pinhead is going to fix everything.  He's going to hire Radiohead to make the new national anthem."  When asked where Pinhead stood on war, abortion, and taxes, young voters gave us puzzled looks.  When asked if they'd shamelessly promote the Cenos in exchange for Urban Outfitters gift cards, they were thrilled.

A vote for Pinhead is a vote for change...and pain and pleasure, blah, blah, blah.  We're sure there's a joke in here somewhere.

Pinhead did not return our phone calls for several weeks and when he did, he said little more than "Jesus wept" and promised that our suffering would be legendary, even in Hell.  Eventually, we decided to contact his left hand man, Chatterer, for an interview.  This proved to be a mondo failure when all of his answers were presented in the form of "Tsk Tsk Sksksksk Chchchch"s.

A dentist's worst nightmare and wet dream all at the same time.

Pinhead's PR Rep, Yancy O'Plancy, agreed to meet with us and discuss just what platform the Ceno Party is taking.  "The Cenos are a very difficult bunch to read.  Half the time they don't even show up to the office because they're always off punishing...or pleasuring someone.  The whole pain/pleasure thing is still kind of foggy to me, but Pinhead talks about it all the time, so there's gotta be something to it.  I'm not quite sure where they stand on any issue, but what I do know is that they've got big ideas.  Plus, they scare the complete shit out of me, so I'm not going to complain."

Other parties popping up on ballots this election include: The National Assembly of Voodoo and Hocus Pocus, The Toddler Association of America, and The N.A.Z.I. Party, who "promises" they aren't "those kind of Nazis".  C.H.U.D. have also begun rallying the nation for their triumphant entrance into the electoral race under the motto that they'll "Clean Up The Streets...by killing everyone."

Deciding who to vote for just got a lot tougher.

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