Tuesday, October 5, 2010

A Guide to Women and How to Capture Them...And Their Hearts

Although Strange Times comes across as a lone organ pumping out foot after foot of moist, steaming news, believe it or not we are actually composed of many different writers from radically different backgrounds.  Men, women, children, hell we've even got a few dogs working around the office.  It is an honor for us to present the first of what we hope to be many independent articles written by some of the more colorful members of our staff.  First up is Elliot Fancifest. Elliot has been with us from the very beginning.  Despite a rocky start working as a janitor in our "Adopt-A-Death-Row-Inmate" program, he slowly worked, stabbed, and gouged his way to the top to become one of our most promising advice columnists.  He specializes in all things love oriented.  It doesn't matter what race or species you are.  It doesn't even matter if you have a pulse.  Elliot will get you the significant other of your any means necessary.

WOMEN: Nature's Tastiest Treat! 

Hi there folks!  Elliot Fancifest here, or "The Love Spider" as many call me because of my ability to capture women in my web of charm and turn their guts into liquid with my venomous love acid.  I'm here to tell you a little bit about romance.  Romance is truly the spice of life, located right next to your oregano, cumin, and the methamphetamines that you sprinkle on basically everything.  Although rewarding, romancing the opposite gender is an art form that requires years of practice and a tireless work ethic.  It's not only about breaking down mental barriers, but building yourself up physically to cope with the strains that women can put on you.  Just last week, I sprained my ankle whilst chasing a girl through the forest, but more on that later.  What you must remember is that women are not so complicated.  If you give them gifts, they will be pleased.  If you give them diseases, they will be disappointed.  Just like any other creature in nature, if you wound them...they will bleed...mmm oh yes.

You may be wondering to yourself how you, a feeble, shriveled, fetus of a man can ever become a supreme woman-tamer like yours truly.  Sure, it is improbable that you will be become as virile as I, but not impossible.  Why, nothing is impossible with enough fishing wire and sedatives.  Remember that.  There's a quiz at the end of this.  That is just one of the many tips I will be discussing with you today.  Now listen up my sexually frustrated, underlying homicidal-maniac friend and before you know it you will be getting so many chicks that you'll run out of places in your house to store them.

You're going to want to invest in a room like this.

1. Prep Work: It's Saturday night and you're feeling lucky. The only person luckier than you is the girl who you're going to meet this evening. You just watched your 10th consecutive hour of the Death Wish marathon and you're feeling saucy.

You would not believe how much trim this guy gets.

Before you run out of the door with your raging erection and six-shooter, stop and think, "How will I come across to the opposite sex?"  Put yourself in their shoes.  Would you want to fuck you?  Of course not!

First thing is first, shave off that gnarled nest of pubic hair that has formed around your mouth.  Resist the urge to eat the several pounds of Triscuit crumbs that will surely come tumbling out.  Save your appetite for the hours ahead.  Women like a man who is hungry for their flesh...I mean attention.

While trimming your facial hair, you cut yourself.  And not just a little nick either.  You really took a huge fucking chunk out of your jowel.  You start to panic. You feel as though all hope is lost and you might as well jam the razor into your jugular and just end it all. Don't do it man! That's something the old you would've done, not the sexual dynamo that you are now. Listen here, blood has natural pheromones in it that drive females crazy. Don't dab it away with little bits of kleenex, but rather smear it across your neck and face to create an irresistable red sheen.

He gets it.  Why don't you?

Now for your choice of clothes. You want to be hip, but original. You don't want to be overdressed, but you don't want to be...actually. Underdressed is good. Women like to know that a man is comfortable enough with himself to not give a flying fuck about his appearance. Safety pin your bedsheet directly to your flesh and you are in business. (Cutting a hole out in the dongle area is not required, but recommended. Also, if you happened to have wet the bed last night because of that reoccuring nightmare with the screwdriver and koala bears...don't bother washing it. Piss is hot both literally and figuratively. Women just love it. Don't ask me why. You can't spell urine without "UR IN".) If you think your outfit is too flashy, add some mystique by placing a burlap sack over your head with a crudely drawn Jack-o'-lantern face on it.

Suture it to your skin and don't EVER take it off.  Not even in the bedroom.

Right now you're most likely running through pickup lines in your head and building up a tremendous flop sweat.  Even though "Nice face, mind if I take it?" and "Are you related to mildew?  Because you look like you belong in my crawlspace." are super sexy're still an amateur and will most like botch them in the worst way possible.  Are words overrated? Absolutely, but unfortunately they are a crucial part of whooing the ladies.  Sure, you could attempt to impress them with your silent, brooding sensuality and your undeniably hard body...but let's be realistic.  If you go with that approach, the only women you're likely to attract are the kind of girls who get off on pear-shaped mutes a.k.a. the freaky kind.  The main thing you need to keep in mind when talking to a woman is to always say the right thing at the right time.  Don't stutter or stumble over even the littlest word or she will immediately dump you and tell all her friends about how socially inept you are.

Now, is there any way you can change your general body structure?  No?  Well then now you are ready to head out for a night of terrorizing some females...what I meant was...ah fuck it I mean terrorizing.

2: Spot Your Target:  Like any great hunter of prey, you must also learn how to track women.  Predict their patterns so that you can head them off at any pass.  You must be several steps ahead of them, hiding in a dumpster or lurking in a dark alley.  But before all that fun stuff, you've gotta find a girl you actually WANT to be with.  None of those hood rats and bag ladies for you...not anymore!  You need someone who is truly gorgeous, stunning, and breathtaking.  Someone whose skin you wouldn't mind kissing, touching, or wearing.  So you go to the first sleazy dive, hole in the wall, renovated rape-house bar, right?  WRONG!  Haven't you learned anything?  What you need to do is find somewhere classy.  A happening nightclub or a sophisticated music hall.  These are where the premium ladies are going to be.

 It's like shooting fish in a barrel, except instead of fish it's women and instead of a gun it's...well...never mind.

Since there is no way in holy-shitbricks that they're going to let you into a place like that, you're going to have to wait outside.  Don't get discouraged, champ!  If you're fortunate enough to spot your gal before she goes into the theater, simply tell her you will "see her later" in a muffled, drawn out manner while making stern and direct eye contact.  This will allow her excitement to build throughout the course of the night as she imagines all the things you might do to her to sweep her off of her feet.

And directly into your chariot of seduction.

3. Doing The Deed:  The conductor triumphantly waves his music-dildo in the air with exuberant ferocity.  The theater doors open as the orchestra's final note rings out into the black vacuum of the night.  The sky is thick with sex-vapors and you're getting antsy.  Just when you feel like you're going to burst out of your shell, like some kind of horny turtle that did way too much cocaine, you see your woman.  A glowing, radiant source of warmth in a world that is so very, very cold.  She is alone.  Your heart aches with her.  You know too what it is like to be alone and misunderstood.  You two are meant for each other.  You wait until the crowd has dispersed and your future partner is left all alone.  She attempts to hail a cab, but the taxi service doesn't run this late.  It's almost as if fate had this all planned out.  

The scene of the crime...I mean...the place where you fell in love.

Clutching her purse against her chest, she begins briskly walking down the street. Your mind begins to race and you think that maybe she doesn't see you.  Will you stop worrying?  By now her mind will be so full of fantasies about you that she's bound to be looking for you.  Ominously start up your engine and sit idle for a few moments to get her attention.  After she turns back around, flip on your high beams to illuminate her alabaster skin.  She will likely freeze in anticipation because of her overwhelming arousal at the thought of meeting you.  Don't tease her, man!  Drive as fast as you possibly can directly at her, so you two don't have to spend another second apart.  Make sure to blare your horn excessively to add the thrill of the moment.  Did you get her?  She's what?  She's running?!  Okay man, don't panic.  Just stay calm.  I'm gonna get you through this.  She's just playing hard to get, but doesn't quite understand how to do it properly.  Don't feel bad for her for being so naive, just catch her.  CATCH HER!  FOR THE LOVE OF GOD CATCH HER!!!

Did you get her?  You did?  Oh thank God.  That was a close one, buddy.  But now we're in this together.  There ain't no turning back now.  By now she is probably letting out a pretty blood-curdling scream and pleading with you to let her go.  Resistance is natural.  It's all part of the glorious song and dance of love.  What is a relationship anyway?  It's simply two people consensually kidnapping each other's hearts and holding them against their will in a bond that will last a lifetime.

Shown: Love

4.  Building Your Life Together: At this time, you've arrived at your pre-planned safe location.  A haven where you can escape from all of the world's troubles and police forces.  I hope that you came earlier and spruced it up a little bit.  It's scientifically proven that with every severed limb scattered throughout your dwelling, your chances of poontang-nabbing increase dramatically.  Have you tied her up yet?  You haven't?!  What's with you, dude?  Do you want her to catch a cold?  It's common courtesy to wrap her up nice and snugly in a cocoon of rope.  Alright, now that we got that out of the way, you two are ready to begin your long, fearful, I mean fruitful, lives together...

Wait...did you hear that?  Oh shit.  Are those sirens?  SHIT!  They are!  No, no, no.  This can't be happening.  Did someone see you pick her up for your date?  You can't remember?  Well, that's just fantastic!  You really fucked up this time, guy!  Okay, okay.  Ummm.  I've been in this situation before.  I can't really recall how I got out of it.  Let me think for a second...

Oh, wait.  I actually didn't get out of it.  I got sentenced to die in federal prison for kidnapping and menslaughter charges.  Yeah, I killed so many people that they made manslaughter plural, just for me. Luckily, Strange Times was able to bail me out of prison because I'm an extremely talented advice-giver, but I'm beginning to doubt that you have any sort of skill set or talents.  Shit.  I'm sorry, bro.  I really wanted this to work out for you.  By now those cherry-tops are right outside the door and already have a sniper with his crosshairs hovering directly over your unfulfilled genitals, so if you're going to kill yourself, you should probably do it now.  Take the girl with you in kind of a murder-suicide, Romeo and Juliet type thing.  That might be kind of a sweet gesture.  Or not.  I don't really care what you do at this point.

I guess this romance thing really isn't for you.  Have you ever considered that you might be gay? 

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