Local Dude Claims He's Not Gay

Andrew Efflump wore a pink shirt several months ago.  When jokes began that only men of the homosexual persuasion wore pink, he responded by saying, "I'm just secure enough with my masculinity to wear pink shirts."  Friends accepted this logic, but were left guessing when Andrew began wearing assless chaps.  When confronted, Andrew again claimed that since he was so comfortable with how "not-gay" he was, wearing leather bondage gear did not make him gay.  Those who knew Andrew closely dismissed his odd behavior, but were forced to yet again question his sexuality when he began publicly kissing men and having anonymous group sex at widely known gay clubs across the city.  Andrew's loved ones sat him down and explained to him that it's perfectly natural and they will support him in any way that he needs.  Andrew became overwhelmed with fury and punched the wall, but then grew concerned that he may have chipped one of his recently manicured fingernails.  "I don't get why everyone is calling me gay.  Just because I have sex with dudes basically every day of my life, that does not make me gay.  It's just that I'm so unbelievably straight that it doesn't matter if I have sex with dudes 100% more than I have sex with chicks...I'm still straight.  I feel sorry for some guys that are insecure."  When the theory that he may be bi-sexual was presented to him, he said, "No way!  I'd never fuck a cat!".

When asked what this picture looked like, Andrew was convinced it was "just two friends playing Lip-Touchies".

It appears there are a lot of things Mr. Efflump isn't quite clear about and we sure as shitfuck aren't going to be the ones to explain them to him.