Carnival Ends In Tragedy For Rural Family

Carnival attendees joined in mourning today after tragedy befell the Smitchsons yesterday while they were attending the annual Fall Family-Fun Festival in Lipps County.  Mr. and Mrs. Smitchson, Wes and Doloris, decided to take their only child, 12-year-old Jack, to the festival for a day of good clean fun.  Jack had been getting into a variety of "dirty fun" lately and this excursion was meant to bring the family closer together.

A breeding ground for disaster and STDs

Trouble began when Wes could not find a place to park.  City council had sectioned off the empty 3-acre lot across the street for parking, but it proved to be "slightly too small".  Rumor has it that Wes honked more than once at a man whom he thought was pulling out of his spot, but then decided not to.  "I came pretty early in the morning, so I could set up a few lawn chairs for the parade," explained the man. "After a few hours, I had breathed in a lot of exhaust fumes from the Tilt-A-Whirl and thought I should go home.  I got in my car, but then I was feeling a lot better, so I wasn't sure if I wanted to go home.  There was a Duran Duran tribute band I wanted to catch a little bit later."  

Things only got worse as the day went on.  Wes proceeded to spend "a fortune" on three wristbands for all-day rides until 11pm.  Doloris protested saying she could "just watch" as Wes and Jack went on rides, but Wes argued, "Well why don't we just go home if all of us aren't going to participate?"  Doloris reluctantly accepted as to not cause a scene, though bystanders were already looking.  Jack's commentary on the farm animal smell began and did not cease for several hours.

Around lunchtime, Jack was getting hungry.  Wes and Doloris settled on pizza, but Jack wanted a hot dog.  Hot dogs at Diggler Dog's were $5.95, plus tax, whereas the pizza was only $5.00, straight up. "Why don't you just get pizza, honey?" pleaded Doloris.  "I don't want pizza, Mom.  I want a hot dog," retorted Jack snottily.  Wes sighed heavily.  "Look at how small those hot dogs are!  C'mon son.  Just get the pizza.  It's really good."  Jack pouted and expressed his disapproval and resentment towards his parents.  He eventually caved and got the pizza, but didn't take more than a few nibbles, before getting grossed out by a dead ladybug on the picnic table and throwing the pizza in a nearby trash can.

Or at least near it.

The sun began to set and the Smitchsons decided to head home.  Jack complained that the rides were not fast enough and, at the same, complained that the Spaceship Ride made him "wanna barf".  On their way out, Doloris was met by Judy Butler and her family.  Judy belonged to Doloris' book club and they began gossiping about a plethora of current local events.  Wes and Jack alike urged them to wrap up the conversation, but to no avail.  Wes decided to treat Jack to an ice cream cone, which he announced quite audibly, would be the last expenditure of the evening.  A small disagreement was had while ordering the cone, but was averted quickly.  Jack could not decide on a flavor, so Wes was forced to spring for two scoops: Bubblegum and Chocolate Chunk, respectively. While walking back to Doloris, they heard her say her signature, "Well okay, bye bye now." and spirits were temporarily raised.  That was until...it happened.

Jack continued to lick one side of the ice cream cone, ignoring the the southeastern side that was rapidly melting.  The streams of liquid ice cream soon drizzled down his knuckles and seeped into his palm, creating a sticky mess that he later wiped on his pants to his mother's disapproval.  Jack's continuous licking drove the dairy dessert to slide off of its waffle base and onto the ground.  This injustice proved to be too much for young Jack to handle as he began to bawl. 

The source of so much joy...and so much pain.

Wes pushed him along hurriedly, hoping to avoid Jack's trademark squeal that always came moments after he started to cry.  This pursuit was a failure as Jack's screams were soon heard throughout the park.  Doloris' eyes welled up with tears, but she bit her lip and persevered.  The family made it into the car and drove home in silence.  Wes didn't even turn on his favorite radio station that played "oldies, but goodies" as he often playfully jested.  Jack's sobs turned to snivels and he fell asleep on the ride home. 

The community held an impromptu meeting after the family departed.  Joshua Lee said, "We all feel bad that the Smitchsons day wasn't enjoyable.  It could have been a lot of fun, but it just didn't go as planned, as things seldom do for them.  I think we all remember last summer's pool party incident where Jack grew enraged when another child splashed water on his popsicle."  Heather Reilly made an effort to make sense of the seemingly senseless unhappiness exhibited by the family of three.  "It was pretty hot out today.  That could have contributed to Jack's crankiness.  Also, Wes was wearing that shirt with the itchy tag.  We've all seen that bother him in the past."  Others were not so strong and were too overcome with emotion to talk.  "It's just...too sad to talk about," said one man who then began weeping into the shoulder of our reporter.

All in all, no one was killed or slightly harmed in any way, but the memory of this day will haunt the Smitchsons for years to come.