Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Geologist Finds New Mineral Along Expressway

Geologist Frank Raspie was sweating last week.  Not from working out, not from an awkward first date, and not even from vigorously masturbating...well, maybe there was some of that thrown in.  The main reason for his perspiration was the sheer pants-shittingly exciting excitement surrounding his most recent discovery.

This, but with shit.  Also, geology.

Frank was in the midst of his bi-monthly garbage pickup along Route 42 when something caught his eye.  Floating in a puddle of beer were fragments of a brown, glass-like material.  Upon closer examination, the foreign matter cut him, much like glass would.  Raspie, understanding the scope of this find, raced to the nearest geological society outpost to relay the information.  Within the hour, the entire scientific world knew that Frank had discovered something that would revolutionize the world harder than a cybernetic Che.

The new face of douche bag hipster t-shirts.

A conference was held to decide to handle this delicate situation.  Some cried out to preserve the mineral because we can't be certain how much of it is left.  Others pushed the plan to extensively test the substance, given the chance that it may contain the key to curing cancer.  Frank humbly accepted the Nobel Peace Prize, an Emmy, and a new award called The Frank Raspie Award For Finding Something Cool.  Nicholas Cage is rumored to play Raspie in "National Treasure 3: What Is This Brown, Glassy Stuff?".

"Seriously Beth, what is this shit?  I know it's treasure, though.  That much is certain"

 "I don't want to take all the credit for this discovery," said Raspie "It was really Mother Nature who put it there.  But I mean...I did find it and all.  That's why I'm naming it FrankRaspieMineral.  Also, I get royalties every time someone looks at it."

Recent experiments show that it has a chemical makeup that is eerily similar to that of everyday, household glass and that little bits of a paper label were clinging to the shards.  Apparently when placed in extremely low temperatures, the label turns blue, as if to suggest some sort of "cold-activated freshness", much like brisk mountain air.  More tests are still pending.

We will let you know the results right after we crack into an ice cold COORS.

One geologist who was particularly thrilled at the new mineral said that "If Raspie just picked up a handful of glass from the side of the road and got everyone this worked up about it, I'll fucking kill him. I'll respect the hell out of him...but I'll kill him."

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