Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Haunted House Reprimanded For Being "Too Fucking Scary"

There are so many ways to honor Halloween.  You can put on a spooky mask, watch a spooky movie, or visit Cisco's Spook House and get the spook scared out of you and onto your underwear.  Cisco's is...or was the longest running haunted house in the country until it was closed down last week.  No one is sure if it will reopen next Halloween or ever again.

It looks like we're just gonna have to find another way to get our "spook" out.

Health Inspector, Ray Grungen, made an unexpected trip to Cisco's for a surprise inspection.  What he found was shocking to say the least.  "My main reason for closing down that haunted house was because honestly...it was just too fucking scary," said Ray.  "I'm not sure what kind of stunt they're trying to pull, but when I walked in, all the lights were off and people in costumes kept jumping out at me.  One guy even had the nerve to yell in my face.  That's just not how you run a business.  I'm sorry, but that place poses a major threat for causing heart attacks, nightmares, and bedwetting...especially bedwetting."

He added, "Don't even get me started on the fog machine.  My throat got all scratchy from it."

We use ours to get high...really fuckin' high.

When this negative report hit newstands across America, people immediately demanded refunds.  Boyardee Cheffe, a scare-seeker from North Carolina, said, "It's sad that they had to make it so scary.  I love haunted houses, but I also have a wife and kids to look out for.  It's not only about me anymore.  I can't be running off to these places getting scared half to death.  Damn...I just wish they didn't make it so scary."
The owner of Cisco's, Brisko Buntley, was devastated.  Cisco's has been open 365 days a year since it first opened in 1956.  Buntley's father, the original owner, struggled through declining profits during the months of November-September, but always prevailed.  "I can't believe it," said a disbelieving Buntley. "We didn't get closed down when they found out we were using real dead bodies as props.  Hell, Cisco's even stayed open through that whole "Wolfman giving quickies behind the fake gravestone" fiasco.  I never thought this would be the final nail in the coffin." 

Who wouldn't want to fuck that mouth?

When we asked Brisko where he intended on going from here, he said, "It's almost a blessing in disguise that Cisco's was closed down.  It was getting too big to be effectively terrifying.  I'm thinking about scaling down to make the scares more intense.  I've even considered just sneaking into people's homes while they're sleeping to scare 'em real good...I need to scare people.  It's in my blood."

Health Inspector Grungen's rampage did not start or stop with Cisco's.  He closed down an amusement park last August because their rides were "Way too fast.  One of them even made me go upside down.  Stomach ache hazard?  Without a doubt."  Currently he is in a legal battle with Phil's Peanut Emporium.  Grungen reportedly struggled for quite some time while attempting to open a pistachio, resulting in hurting his finger because the shell was "impossible to open."

Pistachios: The Cocktease of the Nut Family

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