Monday, October 18, 2010

Strange Times' Interview With College of DuPage's Courier: The One They Didn't Publish

Recently, Strange Times' own bossman, Tom Orr, met with a staff member from College of DuPage's The CourierThe Courier is a weekly newspaper that is seen circulating campus, lining birds' nests, and protecting hoboes' feet from the elements.  They caught wind of Strange Times and needless to say, they were begging for an interview.  Now, Mr. Orr typically does not reduce himself down to the level of commoners, but after a fair amount of groveling, pleading, and interview-earning rimjobs...he accepted, but only if it was on his terms.  He demanded to know how big the interviewer's penis was beforehand, "just to know where he stands"...they didn't tell us, but Orr followed through with the interview anyway.  He was walking on the proverbial sunshine after the interview, claiming that the article would finally break down the barriers between monsters and humans.  He went on to say that this was just the kind of publicity Strange Times needed to get our "Bill for Ghoul Equality" sent to Congress.  To our dismay, The Courier hit stands this morning with a fluff piece.  A mere quarter page in the Arts & Entertainment section.  Needless to say, we were outraged.  They referred to Orr as a "fresh man" at College of DuPage, which we can only assume means "simpleton idiot".  Talk of monster discrimination and the desperate need to renovate our sewers for better living conditions for C.H.U.D., was kept to a minimum, meaning they didn't put it in the article at all.  Strange Times is currently filing a lawsuit, but can't seem to find a lawyer willing to support us.  We've been told with all the crimes we have committed that we should count our lucky stars that we aren't in the electric chair, but we aren't satisfied.  The Courier avoided the truth and darted away from Orr's questions as quickly as a grizzly bear BJ can turn into a "nubbening".

Luckily for you kind folks, Strange Times is all about finding the truth, beating it into submission, and serving it to you on a silver platter with a side of wild rice and "Milkskey" (2 parts milk, 5 parts whiskey).  We've presented the unedited and uncensored interview here in a simple to follow, Q&A format.  We understand that some of the following fragments of dialogue are neither questions nor answers, but...wait, what are we doing?  We don't need to explain ourselves to you.  Just read the damn thing.

Tuesday, October 12th

Q: Hello Mr. Orr.  How are you today?
A: I'm doing fine.  A little hungry.  I didn't eat this morning because you promised me a continental breakfast.
Q: I don't think I did.  Nope, I'm positive I didn't.
A: Oh, well somebody did.
Q: Who?  Was it Steven?
A: I don't know who it was, okay?  But someone told me there'd be an omelette bar.  Fuck!  God dammit. Do you at least have my green, peanut M&Ms?
Q: Um.  No.  You're welcome to eat whatever you want during this interview, but we don't provide food...this is only going to take like 10 minutes, tops.
A: You expect me to bring my own food, like an animal?  What is this, amateur hour?
Q:  We don't have to do this.  Honestly.  We just thought it'd be an opportunity to fill your peers in on what their fellow Chaparrals are doing with their spare time.
A: What in God's green shit is a Chaparral?
Q: It's a bird.  It's College of DuPage's mascot.
A: Well that's a stupid mascot.  Couldn't you think of something better?
Q: I didn't make it up.  I've been going here the exact same amount of time that you have.
A: Excuses are for the weak, my friend.
Q: "sigh" Can we please just do this?  I've got another interview at noon.
A: Oh, so I'm just playing second banana to some fucking dickhead? 
Q: It's Louise Kreiser...she's a Holocaust survivor.
A: Aaaand?
Q: Okay, let's just get started.
A: Fine.
Q: What inspired you to found Strange Times?
A: That's your first question?  Yikes. 
Q: Is there a problem?
A: No I just thought you'd wanna know something, uhhh, you know...that matters.  Like how big my dick is or something.  They didn't tell me how big yours was, even though I asked.  I'm guessing it's underwhelming.
Q: We don't really...we don't need to know that.
A: Suit yourself...it's massive.
Q: ...
A: Let me ask you a question, buddy boy.  Doyoubelieveinmonsters?
Q: What's that?  You're stringing your words together into some sort of mumbled mess.
A: You're mumbling, asshole!  Do you believe in monsters?!  Answer the question!
Q: Like...what kind of monsters?
A: What kind of monsters do you think?
Q: I really, honestly don't know.  Like...movie monsters?
A: Precisely.
Q: Well I just saw that Megan Fox movie where she plays a demon or whatever.  That was pretty cool.
A: ...
Q: Mr. Orr?
A: I should've known.
Q: Known what?
A: You're one of them.  One of the oppressors.  One of those people that think being a monster is all fun and games.  That they live just to scare you.  It must be nice.  Chocolate chip cookies, underage hookers...yeahhh.  You got it pretty good, huh?
Q: What are you talking about?!  You're crazy.  Please get out...now. 
A: I'm not going anywhere, pal.  If you catch a cockroach, you don't give it a nice comfy home, do you?
Q: But-
A: Nooo of course not.  You squash it!  You dig your heel into it until every last ounce of life escapes from its insignificant little body...and that's precisely what I intend on doing here.
Q: Are you threatening me?
A: Nah.  I'm promising you.  Bet you like non-shattered kneecaps too, huh?  Yeah. I bet you do.
Q: Alllright, very good.  Have you ever thought of expanding Strange Times?
A: What do you mean?
Q: Well right now you just print what, like 30 copies?  And Blogspot?  Isn't that what prepubescent girls use to bitch about their parents?
A: Woah.  Easy there, muchacho.  You're crossing the line.  Strange Times is at one of its many peaks.  Productivity is so high that we're right about to fondle the man on the moon's no-no zone.
Q: That's disgusting.
A: It's not uncommon to be jealous at those who are more successful than you in every way.
Q: Oh, so you make a lot of money off of Strange Times? And you've made a lot of friends because of it too?
A: Well...no, actually I...
Q: Yeah.  That's what I thought.  Now, Mr. Orr, I don't have to do this.  They don't pay me to interview self-entitled douchecream sandwiches like yourself.  I could be partying with my friends or banging my hot girlfriend right now.  What could you be doing if you weren't here?  Writing FAKE news about Dracula?  Newsflash: HE DOESN'T EXIST! MONSTERS DON'T EXIST! You're entire life is built on a sham and sooner or later, people are going to realize it and you're going to die all alone with nothing but 80's B-horror films to masturbate to.
A: ...Hm, you really hit the nail on the head there.  Ouch.  Well...if that's how you feel.  I guess I'll just leave...FUUUUUU-

The remainder of the interview was lost in a fire that Mr. Orr set on his way out of the office.  Witnesses are currently being interrogated, but are afraid to talk.  Some say that they saw Orr disembowel the interviewer using his own penis (the interviewer's...not Orr's), whereas others say he began furiously making out with the interviewer because in all actuality, he just wants to be dominated.  We suppose that we will never know what truly happened and we are thinking that that's for the best.

Oh, yeah.  This is a chaparral...coooool.

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