Thursday, October 14, 2010

New Educational Reform Vows To Make Smart Kids Smarter and Dumb Kids Stronger

Evolution is a beautiful thing.  From the dawn of life in the form of primordial slop to the upright walking piles of technologically advanced slop.  Over the years we've shed our furry coats, become sexier, and grown more streamlined.  The human race can only go up from here, people.

Or have we already achieved perfection?

Unfortunately, evolution takes thousands upon thousands of years, many of which where we don't see any changes whatsoever.  This is how nature works.  Slow, precise, well thought out, etc.  Fortunately for us, the human race is none of those things!  We do what we do and we do it fast, hard, and recklessly.  That's why the government has enacted a nationwide revamping for school systems.  They believe that evolution should be supported at earlier and earlier ages.  The program will separate students from grades K-5 into two groups: The Tamers and The Goons.

The Tamers will be composed of the smarter, spindlier, and eggheaded kids who show promising futures full of braniac shit.  They're likely to be presidents, CEOs, and so on, but one solid punch in the arm could drop them like a sack of scrotums.

Even though this guy is a senator...we could still wedgie the fuck out of him.

The Goons, on the other hand, are the primitive, the bullies, the puds.  These kids aren't aware of many things other than lunch money that needs stealing, glasses that need stepping on, and arm skin that needs Indian-burning.   "Retard strength" comes to mind, but we would never use that term.

What are you waiting for?  Hit him.  FINISH HIM!

What the government intends on accomplishing with Project Segregation is to further expand the gap between these two groups.  They want to burn the bridge connecting the children and reduce them to two separate races within one generation.

They'll deal with this problem later.

You may be wondering how they intend on accomplishing this massive task?  They will reduce all schools programs to two classes.  Beef 101 and AP Brains will be the only two classes offered.  The children enrolled in the Beef program will be exposed to bicep curls and deadlifts from the first day of preschool.  They will learn fighting techniques, as well as psychological torment methods for breaking down nerds on more than just a physical level.  Some of these methods include, "Being able to spot when a child has divorced parents and exploiting it." and "Convincing a child that you know where he lives and that your dad can beat up his dad."

This is our dad.

The children in the Brains class will learn all the smart crap needed to run the world.  Economics, politics, blah, blah, blah.  Maybe telekinesis.  More importantly, they will learn how to control the more-human-than-human beast children spawned from the Beef class.  Without proper taming techniques...those Goons could seriously fuck our shit up.  

And don't you dare ask them to take out the trash.

Teachers are dumbfounded at these radical changes to the school system.  Many have been left without jobs and have been driven to volunteer as human punching bags for the Goons rigorous training regiment.  Music teacher Wype Whipple fought back tears.  "I loved teaching music to these kids.  I just don't know what they're going to do without art in their life."

Yes, we get it.  You're a pussy.  Let's move on.

We are uncertain with how this social experiment will turn out, but Secretary of Defense Robert Ghoulash reassured us that there are "literally no downsides."  He went on to say, "This is a huge jump for mankind.  Not only will we be an unstoppable military force, we're all gonna be rich as fuck.  I'm not sure how yet, but we'll figure something out."  When questioned about what would happen to the children that did not fit in either of the categories, he was unable to answer.  Instead, he tilted his head towards the window looking out behind our headquarters.

We can only wait and see how all of this turns out, but let us go on record expressing our undying support for the Goons...we just feel like they're going to come out on top.

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