Friday, October 15, 2010

Meteor Threatens To Destroy Earth! Don't Worry, It Gets Better.

Think of all of the world's problems.  You can't think of any?  Are your eyes open?  They aren't?  Well, open 'em up, you fuckin' jagaloon.  There!  Now do you see?!  Now do you see the horrifying cess pool of despair that you've been wallowing around in?  Good.  Because it's all about to end.  We're going to make this brief because we have a lot of plundering and pillaging to catch up on before we're all destroyed.

"These deals are faaantastic!  It's almost like they're just giving this shit away!"

A meteor has been spotted using what scientists call "a telescope".  It is on a collision course with Earth and has a 100% chance of eliminating all forms of life this coming Tuesday.  Wanna hear the kicker?  This meteor is composed of everything our planet desperately needs.  Ironic, right?  Is it?  We never really understood irony.  Anyway, the speeding mass of galaxy crud contains new rainforest stocked with extinct species, clean drinking water for everyone, bountiful crops to end world hunger, and three space-babes for every doughy Earth man.  Unfortunately, we will never get a chance to enjoy these gifts from above because they are traveling at a fatal velocity and the impact wil turn our home planet into dust.

There are some things that looking at porn and a Swiffer can't fix.

Astronomists have been lefting scratching their dicks at this bizarre galactic happening.  "Well, it makes no sense, to be completely honest.  I don't even know where to begin," said local space-whiz Jack Bullforth.  "It defies so many laws of basic nature, physics, and just...fuck.  It's so weird.  But I mean, I guess shouldn't be suprised.  Last week I caught my dog fucking my cat, so nothing really shocks me anymore."

The recently rescued Chilean miners have crawled back into the collapsed mine shaft and turtles everywhere have receded into their shells. The president appeared on television last night from within his bunker several miles beneath the Earth's crust.  He attempted to console the panicked nation, but when he was informed that the meteor would in fact obliterate the entire planet and his safety bunker would be useless, our bold and noble leader turned into a slobbering mess of drama.

Artist's Depiction

Don't get us wrong.  There has been a lone sign of hope in all of this.  Aliens from light decades away have indeed made contact with our correspondents in the field. They informed us that all they have is a 2-door spacecraft that they borrowed from their mom, so only five members of the human race are going to escape impending doom.  We have taken it upon ourselves to give the seats to our four most promising writers because, well...finder's keepers, bitches.  The fifth seat was used for a box of Almond Joys.  After takeoff, they each ate one and realized that they really don't like them as much as they thought.  "What is that?  Fucking coconut?  Sick!" said our cartoonist.

It's going to be a long trip that will test our heterosexuality, but if you all pray for us...we might just make it.  We will let you know how things are going next week...oh wait...nevermind.

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