Sunday, October 17, 2010

High School Student Suffers Due To Penis Being "Too Big"

Everyone remembers high school for the insecure, overly dramatic, awkward shit-pit that it is.  Parties came and went without your attendance and the Kleenex company's profits soared because of your bouts of late night, self exploration. Kyle Burne, however, is forced to cope with a very different issue every single day of his teenaged life.  "My penis is just too big," he confesses.


Kyle first realized that his penis was above-average in middle school when his class was encouraged to shower after a particularly intense game of dodgeball. "Those kids downright smelled like ass," remembers Coach McCaffery.  "It was a day I'll never forget.  I walked past the shower going to my office, but I stopped dead in my tracks.  It was the moment my world turned upside down. Since then, my life has been a downward spiral of jealousy, impotence, and self-hatred.  My wife left me because I couldn't pleasure her like she was sure Kyle Burne could.  Words cannot describe how much I hate that kid."

School has become somewhat of a chore for Kyle as he feels obligated to talk about the size of his schlong at every pass.  Despite other students claiming they don't want to hear about it, Kyle continues his mission to make his endowment known.  "I didn't ask for this. Whenever someone mentions my shoe size, I'm forced to say "You know what they say about big feet".  It's exhausting.  I've lost a lot of friends over it.  I don't want talk about my huge penis in front of my friends' girlfriends, but I mean...they have a right to know." 

Medical officials have kept a close eye on Kyle ever since his first physical.  He has received a doctor's note that allows him to skip warm-ups in gym class.  "I can't do pushups without it touching the ground and if I do jumping jacks, the whole class will get distracted.  I just wanna be like everyone else, but it's difficult because my dick is so big."

"My boy has been really strong through this whole thing," said Kyle's father, Patrick Burne.  "I personally have experienced the hardships that come with having a massive dong.  We can't wear shorts and we had to install custom toilets that are several inches deeper than the regular kind, but we will always be treated differently...because our dicks are so big."  Kyle also throws pool parties every weekend, but intentionally leaves the strings on his swimsuit untied, so it will "accidentally" come off.  Also, he has all but ruined pool noodles for everyone.  His mother supplies snacks, which typically include corndogs, hotdogs, popsicles, and other various phallic-shaped foods that Kyle can compare his dick length with. 

Fellow male students have not been so supportive of Kyle through this ordeal.  Timothy Ruft, Kyle's ex-best friend said, "Kyle used to be cool, but now he's just a huge dick...god dammit.  See?!  That's what he does!  His name has become synonymous with big penises because that's all he ever talks about!"

The future appears bright for young Kyle as he has begun placing ads in his local newspaper reading "Huge Wang For Rent".  The police force is looking into replacing their nightsticks using Kyle's services.  When he grows up, he hopes to become an underwear model.

Fruit of the Loom: Making men want to kill themselves since 1851.

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