Wednesday, October 13, 2010

3-Legged Race Regional Champions Undergo Drastic Surgery

Chet and Brett Habieber are known across several counties as the undefeated kings of picnic games.  Over the summer, Chet completed a triatholon while carrying an egg on a spoon.  Every morning for breakfast, Brett competes in a pie-eating contest and wins 1st place.  The duo is most known for their dominating skill in the three-legged race.   They got their starts crashing family reunions and children’s birthday parties, but have since entered the big leagues by become top players in the Olympicnics.  However, their success is not all dildos and cream cheese.  The team of two were gracious enough to share their wise advice with us...“You gotta be quick, you gotta be strong, but above all, you gotta be smart.  And this ain’t the kind of stuff you can learn overnight.  No Sir-ee Bob.  You have to be born with the knowledge and the skill to become a picnic warrior.  If you don’t have that natural talent, just quit man.  Just give up now and save yourself the embarrassment.”

The potato salad-stomping pair has since decided to one-up their game with a risky and never before performed surgery.  “We are having our legs sewn together to form a third leg.”  Nothing like this has been done since the 1982 incident where quarterback Howard Putchon had quarters embedded in his vertebral column, just because it was semi-clever.  “I think this will give our game a really big boost,” said Brett.  Chet agreed, adding “It’ll take some getting used to, but in a good way.  Who wouldn’t want to be tethered to their brother, teammate, and best friend via a veiny mass of leg muscle?  Tell me.  Honestly, I can't think of a single person out there who wouldn't want to wake up, throw off the covers, and see this pulsating stump of power...just sitting there, waiting to crush anyone that gets in your way.” 

Surgeons have tended to shy away from these types of gimmicks, but Dr. Deebo Gopez took the job almost immediately after he heard about it.  “I live for shit like this,” said the doctor.  “I just love messing around with the human body to create these…well abominations isn’t the right word, but it definitely comes to mind.”  The operation went off without a hitch, except for the hour where they were legally pronounced dead.  Recovery will be a long and arduous road for Chet and Brett, but they are expected to make a full recovery in time for company picnic season.  Jokes about having a “fourth leg” have been plentiful, but were soon disregarded due to Dr. Gopez leaking photos of their below-average endowments.

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