Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Depressed Filmmaker Sabotages His Own Film

Cinema is a beloved pastime around the globe.  It grants people a temporary exit from the dick-shrivelingly awful reality that is their lives.  There are no bills, no divorces, and no stepchildren with red hair who can't seem to grasp the concept that they need to put a clippy-thing on the open cereal pouch or else cockroaches will lay their eggs in your Honey Bunches of Oats. In movies, you can hop on the back of a majestic unicorn or uphold justice with a time-traveling cop.  Only in the movies, though.  Don't forget that.  If you try and pull that shit in real life, you'll end up ass-deep in a mental hospital, prison, or dead...or all three.

Also known as a "Charlie Manson".  What's that?  He's still alive?  Oh shit.

Filmmaker, Stephen McKrare, has been taking us on wild rides with his movies since his debut comedy in 1995 titled, "My Penis Is Falling Off!".  He swept us off of our feet and turned meatheads into gargantuan pussies with melodramas such as, "You Have AIDS, Deal With It" and "I'm Gonna Cry...Again!".  Tackling the action, horror, and softcore pornography genres at the same time with his feature "Ghost Cops That Also Fuck People", McKrare was cemented into Hollywood's Hall of Fame.  He briefly tangoed with experimental filming with his rendition of a silent film.  Rather than eliminating sound, he shot the entire movie without taking the protective cap off of the camera lens.  The result was a solid two hours of a completely black screen with muffled audio (the boom operator inserted the mic between his buttcheeks and left it there for the remainder of production).  It won every category at Sundance, including Best Animated Short because no one could prove that it wasn't a cartoon.  A man with no acting experience whatsoever accepted the award for Best Actor because no one could prove that he didn't star in the film.

This is our favorite scene...wait.  Is this the part where the guy blows himself or where the firetruck explodes?  Either way, this movie rocks.

Stephen's fame has since tapered off and his creative lull has forced him to spawn suck lackluster blockbusters as, "Apathy and Loathing in Las Someonepleasekillme" and "I Just Don't Care Anymore".  Audience suicides skyrocketed as a result of these extremely depressing "downer flicks" that make Requiem for a Dream look like a commercial for Six Flags.

 Bad example.  If you were suicidal, this would probably push you over the edge.

  Theaters have begun refusing to screen McKrare's films because of the rise in janitorial responsibilities. 16 year old Jimmy Waggler, assistant manager at the gymnasium/theater, Cineflex. off of Beach Rd. is fed up.  "I have to clean up enough disgusting fluids without these McKrare movies adding brains and skull fragments to the mix. My mom made me get a job for the summer, but this crap has scarred me for life.  Sometimes the person isn't quite dead and we have to...finish them off."

It wasn't until recently that McKrare attempted to make a comeback, only to realize that he still hated making moves just as much as before.  His latest project titled "The World: The Movie" was greenlit by the entire film industry last March.  Dozens of production companies agreed to finance that film and the budget stood at a whopping three and a half billion dollars.  This would be McKrare's most ambitious film to date and he aimed for it to be his crowning achievement that would outdo all other historically significant films.  It would make Casablanca look like a cat food commercial.

"No, you're not listening to me.  I said REAL CHUNKS of pork and liver."

"The World: The Movie" was to chronicle second-by-second every single aspect of the entire universe since the Big Bang.  It was to take several dozen years to complete and the cast and crew were urged to procreate on the set, so they could raise the children to work on the movie after they died.

"Looks like we got ourselves a new gaffer, people!"

 Of course, this was all until McKrare got really sick of making movies again and begun attempting to dismantle the movie.  He began subtly sabotaging production by intentionally getting late starts on the day, not returning phone calls, and somedays he would hide underneath the card table in his trailer.  As his depression grew, so did his attempts to make the film a complete failure.  47 day into shooting, McKrare "misplaced" the master script, running in at over four thousand pages.  "I'm sorry guys," he explained to the production team, "I really dropped the ball this time.  I'll understand if you all just want to go home."  Everyone involved with the film refused and told McK not to beat himself up about it. They had all been given various parts of the script and told Stephen that he could simply combine them to make a new master copy.  McK then gathered up all of the copies and defeatedly walked off set.  Suspicions were raised when he was spotted hurling the pages into a nearby dumpster, then slumping to the ground and frantically trying to slit his own wrists with a plastic knife from the craft services table.

When the studio sent over a new script, McK began getting reckless and more vocal with his unenthusiastic view on the movie.  "Fuck this stupid bullshit" and "Why can't I just drop dead?" were often heard in the background audio.  The constant sobbing also had to be edited out.  McK's nihilism soon got the better of him and he destroyed all of the footage from the past 2 months of filming, claiming that it was due to an accidental fire on the cutting room floor, but he barely attempted to mask his deception.  The editor on the scene attested that the fire was not only NOT an accident, but a blatant case of arson.  "Yeah, I saw Stephen douse the entire editing room with gasoline and light it on fire.  Luckily I was able to get my lunch out of the fridge before the whole place went up in flames.  I had a leftover meatloaf sandwich that day...I wasn't about to give that up." said the editor.

We've seen many great men fall in the pursuit of this sandwich.

Studios, actors, and other members of the crew are demanding compensation for their time and efforts.  McK has been distant and gloomy during court proceedings.  The judge came out this morning with his verdict.  McK has been sentenced to make educational videos for middle schools across the nation dealing with topics from bullying to the difference between protons and electrons.  A guardian was assigned to watch over him 24 hours a day, so there is no possibility of him committing suicide.  His official statement was, "This truly is hell."

The honorable Judge Pinhead was presiding.


  1. what a ridiculous idea made into hilarity.