Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Small Town Artist Paints Masterpiece, But Won't Show It To Anyone

David Juluhpsie was inspired at a young age to pursue art in all of its forms.  Whether it be water colors, pastels, clay sculpting, or hurling his own shit at a blank canvas, David considers himself a master of all mediums.  He reached marginal fame with a photograph collection of his pets that was shown at his local community center's art fair.  Also, he won a coloring contest in 2006, but later had the award revoked on the grounds that he used a modified crayon to automatically color inside the lines.  

If your child colors like this, they are a dirty fucking little cheater.

Ashamed and disgraced, he dove into his artwork with more intensity than ever before.  For months, he slaved away on his greatest work to date.  He even had the huevos to call it a "masterpiece".  Today David announced to the art world that he had indeed finished his painting and that it turned out even better than he had envisioned.  "It's just a really, really good painting.  When I finished it, I just kinda looked at it and thought...holy shit that's the best painting on the planet." said Juluhpsie, noting that he has no personal connection with the painting whatsoever and would like to sell it as soon as possible.  All potential buyers and collectors interested in purchasing the painting have turned away in the face of Juluhpsie's more than handsome asking price of 400 million dollars
Skeptical critics have requested to see the painting to verify David's claims that it is indeed a landmark in art, as well as mankind.  David denied them the chance to view the piece of art and has turned down all other invitations to art shows and museum grand openings. "I don't know why people can't just trust me that it's the most beautiful thing ever made.  Everyone is so obsessed with actually seeing it that they're missing the whole point."  Although members of the art community have yet to see the painting, David's mom went on record saying it is "very nice".  The Lourve in Paris has expressed special interest in the painting and has offered to take down the Mona Lisa if David will allow them to put up his painting for one night.  He responded negatively, insulted that they thought taking down "that picture of that fugly oinker" would convince him to exhibit his crowning achievement.  

He went on to refer to the famous painting several times, calling Lisa a "Dogface Supreme" and "Garbage Lips".

In other news, David insisted we quote him when he called Leonardo da Vinci a "bitch-ass pussy who was just mad that he wasn't one of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles."  We have no idea just what in the hell that means, but we don't make the news, we just write about it.

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