Thursday, October 14, 2010

Death Rate of Douchebags Spikes, Grim Reaper Explains

Have you noticed lately that there aren't nearly as many fuckfaces roaming the streets? If you haven't, it's probably because you're one of them and you should expect to be killed very soon.  You may be saying to yourself, "No way bro.  I'll never die."  And with that, you're further enforcing our point.

The National Mortality Report was released over the weekend and has come out with some surprising statistics.  Evidently, tremendous assholes have shifted into first place regarding death rates.  Since the new year began, they have been dying in greater numbers and in rapid succession, often under mysterious circumstance. These unexplained deaths cannot be pinned to one specific group, but appear to target many cliques of various levels of douchebaggery.  The list includes Dumbasses, Smartasses, Indie Hipster Fuckbags, Frat Boy Meatheads, Cocksuckers, Shitheads, Shitdicks, Dickheads, Dickshits, Dicknoses, and is getting longer by the minute.

This guy has been killed so many times already.

Strange Times traveled all the way to Maine to visit the Grim Reaper in his modest, oceanside cottage.  We hoped to gain a bit of insight into these seemingly random deaths.  After sitting down to a cup of Earl Grey tea (his personal favorite), we got to talking.  "I was actually sitting right here when I got the idea to kill solely douchebags," explained GR.  "I was watching the sunset with my cat, when all of a sudden this group of college students came into view on the beach.  They were drunk and being quite loud for a weekday evening.  I could hear them incessantly debating on what brand of wife beaters made them look the most "cut".  There was some talk of an upcoming Creed concert.  One of them kept referring to the others as bro...or was it broski?  Broseph?  I can't really remember because by that time I had blacked out.  When I woke up, I was covered in blood.  I spent a good ten dollars at the laundromat trying to get the smell of Axe off of my robe, but that shit just is NOT coming out."

If you put this on in the morning, you're just asking for your throat to be lacerated.

The Grim Reaper went on to warn the general public of what he looks for when tracking down these offenders.  "Popped collars are a big one.  Crooked hats are surefire sign of a douche.  Uhh, oh yeah, if I see any sort of tribal anything anywhere on your better believe I'm going to cut your head off."

Members of the Alpha Sigma Sigma fraternity are rallying to stop this genocide.  "We're just like everyone else, bra.  Just 'cuz we're ripped and fuckin' rage like, every weekend, that doesn't mean we deserve to die," said Bradd Tucker (that second "d" is actually in his name...seriously, what a douche).  A march was organized to raise awareness for their cause, but God intervened.  He stripped them of their skin, made the sky rain saltwater, and let a swarm of starving gulls finish the job.  "It feels good to participate," God said.  "I created the universe, but I sure as hell didn't create these douchenozzles."  God went on to destroy all Aeropostale and Abercrombie outlets.  He left Fitch unharmed, but warns that he will not hesitate to blast their asses into the next dimension if they ever sell another pink polo that is three sizes too small for the guy buying it.  

If you spot any of these coffee-colored bacon trolls in your town, call the authorities and a Death Squad will be sent over immediately.

The Army, Marines, and Air Force have gotten on board with the trend and have begun a worldwide eradication of douches.  Even some of the smaller towns have joined in.  "It's tough to flush them out when they realize you're looking for them," said local man Eddie Teal.  "But all you have to do is leave an open tanning bed somewhere and they sort of flock to it.  Then you got 'em right where you want 'em."  Religious groups are not immune to hating douches either.  "It's nice to see the community banding together for the betterment of mankind," said Reverend Shamus McFlaherty at St. John's Congregational Pot Luck and Douche Lynching.

In other news, Jersey Shore has been wiped out and left completely vacant...let's keep it that way.

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