Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Shopper Heroically Survives Weeklong Ordeal

This morning spelled relief for local shopper, Crisp Latch, after a weeklong struggle that tested will to survive.  A week ago, Crisp was grocery shopping at Floor-Mart, where the prices are dirt cheap and the floors are, well...just covered in dirt.  Latch admits to straying from his list a little bit because the deals on latex gloves were "just too good to pass up".  There was a brief discrepancy between Crisp and the clerk at the checkout counter regarding the expiration date of a coupon.  They eventually agreed that the coupon was indeed still valid and that the 8 had just been smudged to look like a 3.  Satisfied with his extreme shopping savvy, he exited the store.  Struggling to push his cart, Crisp wondered if he really needed the five dozen TV dinners with fake vaginas built into the boxes.

He decided that it was a necessary purchase.

After loading the groceries into his car, he went to put his cart back into the specified cart holding zone.  Floor-Mart had taken creative liberties with this widely known feature by renaming it, "The Cart Corral".  "We created the Cart Corral to make the shopping experience more enjoyable," said assistant manager, Ty Foote. "We did a survey and found that many customers' least favorite part of running errands was putting the cart back into those drab metal...things.  I'm not sure what they're called.  Anyway, I had my nephew paint a sign.  He did a great job.  I knew he would because he really likes cowboys and stuff.  He made "Cart Corral" looks like the letters are made out of lassos.  He even threw a few horses in there...and I think an armadillo or a covered wagon?  I'm not sure.  He's only 8."

And just when you thought the Old West couldn't get any more awkward and depressing.

Crisp pushed his cart into the Corral until it collided with the cart in front of it.  The carts became interlocked and Latch eagerly backed up.  This was until another shopper pushed their cart in behind him.  "It was at that moment...I knew I was trapped," said Crisp through a quivering voice, attempting to hold back tears.  "I looked the woman dead in the eyes, but she just laughed.  I'll never forget how alone I felt in that moment."  For the next seven days, he survived off of rain water and sometimes was lucky enough to get ahold of a can of soda when someone's plastic bag ripped open.  Shoppers kind enough to acknowledge Latch spared a few Tic-Tacs or birth control pills that he rationed out and used as sustenance through the soul-trying week.

It was on the seventh day that the kid in charge of collecting all of the loose carts finally spotted Latch and offered to help him out.  "I just saw this guy standing in the cart-dock thing or whatever it is.  I refuse to call it the Cart Corral.  But yeah, I don't know why he couldn't get out of there.  He's a full grown man," said the employee. "I would've helped him, but I didn't know if he was retarded or crazy or what.  I was watching out for myself on this one, so I just called the fire department."

"We're kind of busy...what's that?  The Cart Corral?  WE'RE ON OUR WAY!"

After a lengthy planning period, the fire department finally decided to simply remove the carts blocking Crisp's path.  Other methods considered were to shoot Latch with a 12-gauge shotgun and end the whole thing or uproot the metal guards that were containing him.  When plans of destroying the Cart Corral to free Crisp were relayed to Floor-Mart, they said "no fuckin' way".

Crisp has become a role model for lost children in malls and supermarkets all over the world.  He stresses the importance of not giving up hope and not getting discouraged if you soil yourself because it "gets easier the more you do it". We traveled to a nearby elementary school to talk to 2nd grader, Jason Howser, about how this incident has affected him.  He called us "dweebs".

We'll see who gets the last laugh.  R.I.P. Ted and Marie Howser.

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